Paul begins with "Soft Ghosting," the Glossary Term for this episode, and how to spot It so you don't waste your valuable time with a Soft Ghoster. The feel-good movie Moneyball, a nonfiction sports drama, is the episode’s Chick Flick Movie Review. How did a sports drama make it into this Midlife Dating Podcast? Simple: Much of what Brad Pit's character embraces to build a record-setting team is paralleled by what Gen Xers and Boomers must master to become successful at online dating. Next, a retro dating clip on "The Fancy Dinner" is taken from the 1949 Coronet Instructional Film Dating Dos and Don'ts.
The main focus of the episode is the six different types of people you'll run across in your online dating experience. You'll want to focus on the first two and avoid the last four!
We're retaking dating questions now that the podcast production is more dialed in. If you've got one you'd like Paul to answer on the podcast, please submit it to the questions email address below. We'll keep your identity confidential. The team is also looking to add a woman's point of view to the podcast! If you're a Gen X or Boomer gal interested in contributing, please get in touch with us at the same email address.
Questions and Contributions: firstname.lastname@example.org
50 Dates at 50 Website: https://50datesat50.com/
The transcription below is provided for your convenience. Please excuse any mistakes that the automated service made in translation.
Episode 10 - The Six Categories of People on Dating Apps
Paul Nelson: Here we are at episode 10: The Six Categories of People You're Going to Find on Online Dating Apps. We've got three things we're going to discuss in this episode. First is our glossary term, which is known as Soft Ghosting. Then we're going to review the movie Moneyball, starring Brad Pit. This is a feel-good movie, and while it's a sports drama, it closely parallels what's gonna be involved with many of you when it comes to learning how to be successful at online dating. And in our Potpourri segment, I'm gonna be covering the six types of people you're gonna be meeting in your online dating experience.
So 50 Daters, by the end of this episode, you're going to know what Soft Ghosting is and how to recognize if someone's pulling it on you. We're gonna open the doors on what to expect as you begin to grow from our movie review. It's not gonna be pretty at first, as you learn the new skills to help you be a better online dater. This is why I want you to watch the movie, and this is why I have the review in this episode.
You'll also be able to begin to identify the two types of people in online dating who are interested in dating relationships, and you're also gonna be able to learn and recognize the four types that you want to avoid in online dating. Why? Because they'll simply waste your time.
So if you like what you hear, please take a moment and click on the subscribe or follow button. I don't want you missing out on making your date nights more memorable. So now 50 Daters, let's start turning those dating busts into dating bests.
Paul Nelson: Our term for this episode is Soft Ghosting. Now this is a text messaging technique, where a party that is no longer interested in dating another party, responds to text messages with "Likes" instead of a worded message. This is a polite hint that they are moving on. A Soft Ghost also offers the Ghoster a calculated fallback position.
If they ever cross paths with the Ghostee down the road, they can say they responded to their messages when they really didn't. Soft Ghosting also puts the Ghostee, the one being ghosted, in a double texting position, inadvertently making them look needy; and why is this? Because the Ghostee is responding to "Likes" and not messages.
Paul Nelson: Moneyball, released in 2011, is this episode's review. But before I even start, I know what you're probably asking. “But Paul, how does a sports drama film fit in here at the Midlife Dating Podcast?" Well, there are many parallels to dating in this film. Besides, guys are gonna like this film for its sports content and the gals; we have Brad Pit.
The movie is based upon the book Moneyball by Michael Lewis, in which Billy Bean, played by Brad Pitt, general manager of the Oakland Athletics, suffers a heartbreaking loss to the New York Yankees in the 2001 American League division series.
After the loss, the Athletics lose their three-star players to free agency. Bean is now faced with the task of fielding a competitive team on a very limited budget. Available player prospects are bleak during the upcoming 2002 season. During a trip to talk trades with the Cleveland Indians, Bean meets Peter Brand, played by Jonah Hill. Brand, fresh out of Harvard, is an analyst with Cleveland. He uses computer algorithms to find talent and players who have been overlooked by other teams.
Bean is impressed and he hires Brand. The scouting and coaching staff at Oakland is very contentious about this change and becomes very uncooperative. With the odds against them, Bean and Brand go about rebuilding the Athletics into a record-setting team.
So what's the Midlife Dating Podcast take here? This movie is a great story where the underdog finds success. The Athletics had only about $39 million in payroll to work with, compared to teams like the New York Yankees, which had about $114 million.
Bean proved he could field a very competitive team despite not being able to sign quality players in their prime. It all came down to combining computer technology with old-fashioned scouting and management. This is a first-rate feel-good movie and can easily scoop you up into the plot.
We take the same approach here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, where we use good old-fashioned chivalry and the man taking the lead in a dating relationship, combining that with computer technology to help us find the right guy or gal.
And why do we need to watch this? Well, let me hit several points here on the lessons that we can draw from this movie. First point is online dating is how more and more people are meeting each other. Initially, it was not well received but gained momentum and eventually became the acceptable dating practice that it is today.
My next point is that computer technology used in dating apps opens up an abundance of good potential dating matches. It truly gives us excellent odds at finding a really great guy or gal for a relationship.
Being a good dater requires a system that puts you in situations that allow you to be successful. I can tell you firsthand that many of the things one has to learn to be a good dater are counterintuitive, just like the new system for picking team members in Moneyball.
My next point here is online dating is about learning does not work and making adjustments. You're going to be humiliated at times while you learn. Making adjustments requires growth. Things usually don't go well at first, and in most cases, they get worse before they get better,
just like it did for the Athletics in the movie.
The temptation to go back to your old ways of dating will be extremely high. Personal growth, requires patience and discipline, and it's not pretty either. In fact, in many cases, it actually gets pretty ugly at first. but you need to make these adjustments and embrace them so you'll be ready when you meet the right one.
Let me explain here that dating is not like trying to win the World Series. The winner does not take all in the case of dating. A systematic approach to putting yourself out there will get you into the dating playoffs, and this is all you really need. The playoffs are where the really great guys and gals are.
And lastly, you don't need money to be competitive in dating. There are many out there who have a money advantage but are terrible daters. All the money in the world won't change that.
Fancy Dinner Short from Dating Do's and Dont's: 1949 Coronet Instructional Films
Paul Nelson: Let's discuss dating apps and who to focus on in the dating apps, and who to avoid. So, we're gonna talk about the six categories of people that you're gonna find.
Before I get into this, we've talked about The 3-1-1 Rule and I'll remind you again at the end. The 3-1-1 Rule will help you find people that you want to date. This will be in groups one and two, and help you eliminate those in groups three through six. So let's start with group number one.
These are the people that are dating for fun, and this is the first phase of dating. If you've been married for about 20 years and have been recently divorced and are just getting back into dating. First off let's recognize that you're definitely not relationship ready. You need to get out there, have fun and date, because you're just dipping your toes back into the dating waters. This is informal, non-committal, casual dating. And what I mean by that, casual dating is like what we did when we were in high school and college. And what you do is you go on activity dates, such as bowling, amusement parks, or hiking. You're going out simply for fun, to get your feet wet again. You don't have a dating plan other than meeting new people and seeing what's out there.
It's imperative that you go out on dates with many different people, first to see how you've changed. You're gonna see how you've changed once you start dating other people, and this stage will also help give you a good idea on what it is you're looking for.
I can tell you from firsthand experience that when I first started dating, on the first date, to what I was like to 20 dates, 30 dates, 40 dates in, I completely changed what I was looking for. I didn't know that until I started doing a lot of dating.
And I know there's a lot of people out there that are gonna say, “Well, I can't date multiple people at the same time.” Well, yes, you can, and I want to use a real estate analogy here to kind of help explain this. If you're out house hunting, you're looking at several different houses. You may go out and see several of them in one week. You're not making any offers on any of these houses. This is non-committal. You're taking a look at each one, and you're getting a good idea of what the real estate market is, or what's gonna work good for you, or what you're looking for in a home.
That's what this phase does. You need practice right now, as house hunting gives you practice identifying a property that you want. Many gen X-ers and boomers have been through this process. Dating in the first stage accomplishes the exact same thing.
This leads us to group number two, and that's those looking for a relationship. This is the second phase of dating. You [RS2] have to go through the first phase in group one that we just talked about, before you can really know and understand what you're looking for in a relationship.
In group two, you're gonna run into people that have a dating plan and they have a really good idea in some cases, or at least a much better idea, of what they're looking for.
Group three are those looking for entertainment. Groups one and two are the two groups that you wanna stick to. Groups three through six, as I go through here, are the ones you want to avoid.
So let's start with group three, those looking for entertainment. Sorry to say, but there's a lot of people out there on the dating apps, they don't have a dating plan. Those that are looking for entertainment in this group, they're there to seek personal validation. They love to match up with you and endlessly message with no intention of actually meeting.
A lot of these can easily be identified by picture-only dating profiles. All these ones coming up here, picture-only dating profiles are gonna be common to all of these coming up.
Group number four are what I call the “Professional Daters”. On the men's side, you've got men who date for sport, and they're otherwise known as players. And obviously, the gals wanna avoid them. For the guys, there's a particular group of women out there that are looking for a free meal,
and if they can add a concert to that, hey, mission accomplished. And they're easy to spot and easy to avoid. They want to go right to the big dinner date, and they actually get pretty insulted by a simple meetup.
Many men will accommodate this, especially Nice Guys because they want to do whatever they can to impress the gal. But they're gonna learn that once she gets that great meal and maybe that bonus concert, they won't hear from her again.
Also understand that in the “Professional Dater” category here, a lot of guys and gals are looking to trade up, so once they find somebody that's better, you're gonna get tossed off to the side very quickly. “Professional Dater” group also includes people that do have written profiles, but they use code words in it. And I call these the "Thrill-Seekers," and the code words will be something like butterflies" – “I'm looking for butterflies," or "Our chemistry must be off the charts." These are the guys and gals looking for the dopamine rush with the oxytocin chaser.
They're gonna chase this and once they obtain it and it wears off, they're gonna be on to the next person. Any type of dating relationship with the "Thrill-Seeker" will flame out pretty quickly.
In many cases, "Professional Dating" profiles can be identified by simply being picture-only profiles. Or, if they've got those chemistry code words in them, if they've got a written profile.
Group number five are those seeking hookups and sex. In many cases, they've got a brief written profile, and they're pretty upfront about it. But most of the time, they've got picture-only profiles, and this is just another reason why you wanna stay away from picture-only profiles.
Group six is the catfishers and fraudsters. They too dominate the picture-only profiles, and if they do have a written profile, it's gonna be one of those profiles that seems almost too good to be true. It's perfect, with all the perfect pictures, and the written profile will generally be pretty good except for maybe one or two spelling or grammar errors.
And why is that? Well, that's because this person is usually overseas. They're gonna want you to get off the app very, very quickly, onto a different communication platform, like WhatsApp, for example.
Let me close this out by saying again, like I did at the beginning, utilizing The 3-1-1 Rule, you can easily find the people you're looking for and smoke out the pretenders real quickly.
Paul Nelson: So, what did we learn today, 50 Daters? Well, first off, we now know what Soft Ghosting is and how to identify if it's being used on you.
Additionally, we learned that online dating is a unique skill set, and that learning these skills is gonna get ugly at times as we grow and work through the process. But as the movie Moneyball demonstrates, the results will be well worth the pain.
Furthermore, we learned there are two types of people that you're gonna find online that you wanna focus on: those who are new to it and dipping their toes back into the dating waters, and those seeking a relationship.
We also learned there are four types to avoid. Please know that simply by using The 3-1-1 Rule that we've talked about in previous episodes, that rule will weed out almost all of those that you want to avoid.
Paul Nelson: Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, it's all about providing as much value as we can for you 50 Daters. If you've got some dating questions, I'd be happy to answer them on the podcast. I'd also like to get a woman's point of view. If you're a boomer or a gen X gal who is interested in contributing, I'd like to hear from you. On either one of these, please contact me at the questions email address in show notes.
We're gonna close this out with some dating humor, with a quote by Will Ferrell who said, "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use computer with slow internet service to see who they really are."
As always, these episodes are a blast to create, and I look forward to being with you on the next one to take your dating experience from a bust to a best. And that's a really good place to be.
Until next time.