Midlife Dating Podcast

Episode 8 - Victim of Oneitis

• Paul Nelson • Episode 8

Share episode

"Oneitis" is a condition we all go through. It can start to sneak up within the first few moments of a phone call and linger for days before a couple even gets out on that first meetup. In this episode, Paul takes a closer look at this vocabulary term.

Many romances begin with a couple's mutual dislike for one another. As they spend more time together, they grow and bond. Leap Year (2010) is one such offering with plenty of comic relief. Due to the instant gratification of online dating, some will never get to experience a romance like this. Guys, this movie demonstrates how remaining a mystery creates attraction.

Omicron is making its presence known in the dating community, as things have regressed to the way it was last year at this time. Dates are becoming tough to put together. Paul here reviews how the phone call portion of the 3-1-1 rule is significant for filtering out the pretenders. What you should stick to on the phone call is also covered, as is the fundamental objective of the coffee date meetup. (It's not about sparks.) All this and more can be found in the November and December Dating Report!

50 Dates at 50 Website:  https://50datesat50.com/

The transcription below is provided for your convenience. Please excuse any mistakes that the automated service made in translation.

Episode 8 Victim of Oneitis - Transcript

Introduction

Paul Nelson: Hello 50 Daters! Welcome to episode eight: Victim of Oneitis. Today I'm going to cover the glossary term known as "Oneitis." This term describes how we have a tendency to fixate on one person when we're dipping our toes into the dating waters.

I'll be reviewing the movie Leap Year from 2010, which demonstrates how many dating relationships start, where the couple doesn't like each other but then grow on each other as we get further into the plot. And, it also has a great example, guys, for how you can continue to remain a mystery to your gal. 

In the Potpourri segment, I've got the dating report for November and December of 2021. In it, I'm going to basically go through how Oneitis was creeping up on me due to the current Omicron dating conditions that are out there, as dates are really challenging to set up these days.

Also in the report, I've got several examples of how important the phone call is in The 3-1-1 Rule that we've been working with. As a quick review, 3-1-1: three mutual message exchanges on the dating app, you quickly move it to a phone call (45-minute phone call), and then a meet-up date. You'll see how important the phone call is as a filtering tool. 

By the end of this episode, you'll have an understanding of how to spot the Oneitis mindset in your dating and what you can do to avoid it.

Glossary Term: Oneitis

Paul Nelson: Oneitis: a condition marked by single-minded behavior, such as fixating one's thoughts about current activities and future life events, on one specific man or woman. These thoughts can be intentional or unintentional and occur well before the dating relationship has had a chance to mature. Examples consists of concluding that there is no other in the world like him or her, imagining what it would be like moving in together, and having them meet your family. Oneitis is dangerous in that you're likely to ignore or dismiss red flags and questionable behavior.

Movie Review - Leap Year

Paul Nelson: Leap Year, released in 2010. The movie begins in modern-day Boston, where we find Anna, played by Amy Adams, bewildered that her boyfriend Jeremy, played by Adam Scott, has not proposed to her.

Anna has a thriving real estate business, and Jeremy is a successful cardiologist. During a meeting with her father, Anna is reminded of a family story based upon Irish tradition.

The tradition states that during leap year on leap day, if a woman proposes to a man, the man has to accept. After a disappointing dinner with Jeremy, Anna decides to give the Irish tradition a second look. She follows Jeremy to his convention in Dublin, Ireland to propose to him on leap day. Unfortunately, her flight is forced to land in Wales and in the process of seeking alternate transportation to Dublin, she meets Declan, played by Matthew Goode, an innkeeper in a small village.

Anna warily hires to Declan, who reluctantly agrees to drive her to Dublin. Chemistry develops between the two of them as they maneuver through unexpected interruptions. Now, Anna is faced with a choice.

Now the 50 Dates at 50 take on this is, this movie is a testament to the fact that success in a professional career while gaining you social status does not necessarily equate to success in romance. One of the more significant lessons here too, is how easy it is for one party in a relationship to get married for convenience and not for love. 

The movie has great scenic shots, a full storyline, and definitely has a feel-good message. The journey to Dublin is filled with bonding that's all about being in the moment.

So you ask, "Why Paul, do I need to watch this?" Well, as many women in the dating community have noticed, men have a tendency to spill their guts as soon as possible, eliminating all mystery about themselves. 

Guys, I want you to notice that Declan plays his cards very close to his chest, thereby demonstrating his masculinity instead of talking about it. This maintains just enough mystery about him to keep Anna curious.

The movie also illustrates how preparing a meal together can be very romantic. Declan's demeanor also is notable for his calmness and his determination to fulfill his agreement, even when the chips are down. 

Potpourri Segment - November & December Dating Report

Paul Nelson: In our Potpourri segment, I've got the dating report for November and December of 2021, and I want to let you 50 Daters know that the flake rate is up around 80 to 90%. And what that means is, for every 10 conversations I've started on a dating app, eight or nine of them fall apart. This is, this is just like, it was last year during COVID where the ghostings, the deletions, and the date cancellations are just off the charts.

Now, I'll let you know that Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel are two apps that have really been underperforming in these last two months, and Bumble and Hinge have been feast and famine. So let's get right into November here. 

November

Paul Nelson: Now in November, I had five phone calls setup, two meet-up dates scheduled, one which was canceled (or we'll call this a broken date).

And when, 50 Daters, when broken dates happen, when guys or gals break a date, it generally takes place... It's like clockwork, about two to three hours before you're supposed to meet. So if you're going to look for the text that says, "Hey, I can't make it," that's the window it's most likely going to happen at.

Let's go over some of the noteworthy phone calls that I had. Call number one. Have you ever had one of those conversations on the phone where the conversation is like pulling teeth? That's what this was like. And 50 Daters, the thing to understand is when you get to the phone call, this should actually be pretty easy because this is where you can talk about family. Most gen X-ers and 50 Daters - most I say - have, have kids. And this is where you can talk about your kids. You can also talk about your occupation, kind of get an idea of what the person does, and you can also pick out a topic that's something in their profile. It could be anything from their favorite Netflix series to where they like to hike.

So it's, it should be real easy for you to carry on a conversation. And in this particular conversation, I was getting yes and no answers to how and why questions. So obviously, I didn't ask the gal for the date on this one. 

Call number two, was from Hinge, and this was a 35-minute conversation. This took place just before Thanksgiving, by the way. I called the gal up and when I make these phone calls, I set them up at a specific time in the theory that the woman is ready or has time to focus on the phone call. And I find out, more than half the time, they're not focusing on the call. But in this case, when I called, she was out walking her dog and she had constant interruptions that were going on. She had a conversation with her neighbor who was out for a walk during our call, and was absolutely not present at all in the conversation. 

So this was on a Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, and we agreed to meet-up for a drink on that Saturday after Thanksgiving. She said her schedule was really cloudy because all the family stuff that was going on and to contact her on Saturday. So, I sent her a text on Saturday to follow up, and when I texted her, the response that I got was, "Who is this?" with a question mark. And I said, "Hey, it's Paul from Hinge, just following back up." 

And her response was, "Oh, I was surprised that you called. I didn't feel a connection on the call. I'm not interested."

Next call that was noteworthy was to a gal in central LA. This was for through Hinge, and when this one was set up, the only time that she had time to talk was on her work break and she worked at a hospital, so she had about 20 minutes on her break. During that 20 minutes, we talked about the two books that she was writing, her holiday plans that her and her son were going to do,

and the conversation generally flowed quite well. I asked for a meet-up and she agreed. I said, I'll pick a time, a date and a location because she had to go in back to work at this point - I didn't have time to sit down and go over a specific location with her on the phone. So I said I would, I'll text you the information: time, date, location, and we could meet somewhere halfway between where you're at and where I live here in Orange County. And then her response was, "Spoken like a true man of chivalry," and then we hung up. 

What I ended up doing was going back to her profile real quick to double-check her location to find a suitable place between the two of us, only to find out she'd already deleted me at this point. 

So I do what I've learned to do in this situation, and, that's ask for some feedback. So I sent her a text saying, "Hey, I noticed you deleted me. I'd just like a little feedback as to why our conversation went south." And her response was this: "I was taken back by the meet halfway comment. I've dated many chivalrous men in Los Angeles who would never dream of asking me that."

So, she immediately jumped to conclusions. I was immediately sized up, put in a box, and eliminated. And you know, the funny thing was, all I did was ask her to meet halfway between where we lived. If she wasn't comfortable with that, all she would have had to have said was, "Hey, I'm more comfortable meeting somewhere over where I live," and I would have been more than happy to accommodate that.

But now this begs the question, if she was talking to Brad Pitt, George Clooney, John Stamos, or let's say, Jon Bon Jovi, if they asked her to meet halfway for a meet-up date, what do you think she would have said? I rest my case. 

Further disappointing in this call was, was throwing that zinger in there about, the chivalry comment. And unfortunately, this is how a lot of daters act online and it's disappointing and frustrating at times. The good thing here is 3-1-1, the call portion of this is actually working. This eliminated me from actually getting involved with a gal like this.

 So 50 Daters, what I want to remind you is, you always act with class in these situations. You never throw zingers back.

Next up was a Bumble date. This was a meet-up in Huntington Beach. Getting reservations or getting seats at any place at this point in time was really difficult, so I went ahead and made reservations at an Italian restaurant. And when I got to the location, they had lost the reservation.

Now, the first thing you think is, am I setting up dinner and drinks? No, I was setting up time to meet over drinks and appetizers at this point. But the main point here is, the reservations disappeared or got lost, so I put in a new set of reservations. 

Then I texted the gal saying, "We may have to go to plan B. I'm looking at a different location because they lost the reservation. I put new ones in. I'll keep you posted," and I went across the parking lot and I found that at California Pizza Kitchen, even though they had a line, there were two seats at the bar that were open, so I was able to quickly get those two seats. 

And going to a plan B, guys, this would normally be a good thing. It shows that you can adapt to a situation in a positive way, and in my case here on this meet-up, it didn't turn out that way. I let her know the California Pizza Kitchen location just on the other side of the parking lot, so she met me there. 

Now the conversation seemed to go okay, at first, but she mostly talked real estate because that was her profession. And what I do, when you have a meet-up, you want, you want to share stories. First meet-up is,  is story time. You want to tell about stories about yourself and you want to ask the other person that you're meeting up to tell stories about them, but she kept steering the conversation back to real estate.

So, we mostly had a real estate conversation, which is bad because again, we want to move back to personal stories. That's where romance and that's where, if things are going to click, it's going to be in the personal stories department because you're, you're sharing commonalities in life. 

So about 45 minutes into this, she goes, "You know, I'm hungry. Can we go back to the Italian place?" And I looked at my phone and they still hadn't sent me an update reservation for the new one I put in, so I let her know that they still haven't gotten back to me, and that we would have to do, uh, we'd have to have something here at California Pizza Kitchen. 

Now I just want to let 50 Daters know that the quick move back to the Italian place, this is what we call a professional dater move. And a mentor of mine, Doc Love talks about professional daters and I'll go into what a female professional dater, what they act like and what they do. A male professional data is what we call a player, obviously.

And in this case, the gal that I was meeting up with, so she had to settle for a gourmet pizza, and then the conversation seemed to end well, and there was a hug good night. Everything looked good. 

I asked her out three days later and I got ghosted. Why did she ghost me? I don't know. One of the things that she did say several times was, it was over between her and her ex, so it wouldn't have surprised me if she got back together with him. 

However, let me tell you a little bit about a professional dater in the way Doc Love described it. And I've, I've met many of these in my dating adventures since I've been divorced. 

Professional daters don't like meet-ups. They prefer full meal dates and a concert, if possible. Many guys will adhere to this or do this because they're nice guys, and then when they call up for the second date, they end up getting ghosted. 

Pro daters, for the most part, they're out for fun and a meal, and they're generally looking to trade up on a regular basis. And again, I've met many, many professional daters.

December

Paul Nelson: For December, I had seven calls. Two of those calls, the gals weren't available for them. I ended up with four meet-up dates that I scheduled. Two of them, which became broken dates. So, here are the noteworthy portions of December. 

Call number one. Now this one came from Tinder. This was another gal that was preoccupied on the entire phone call. She was cleaning her kitchen and then went to cleaning her car during the conversation. This gets frustrating because as you, as I'm trying to talk, I can hear the beeping or the ringing of the door, the car door being opened in the background. She was extremely knowledgeable on the best happy hours, on what days at what places at about. She rattled off like six different establishments. 

Now, Rachel Greenwald in her book, Why He Didn't Call You Back breaks down women's dating behavior into 16 basic categories. And in this particular one, this gal was a cross between what Rachel would call "The blahs" and "The Wino."

Okay, "The Blahs" means it's very boring or nothing noteworthy about the conversation. "The Wino" comes from this extremely detailed knowledge on happy hours. 

So at rehearsal that night after this phone call, my bandmates were completely horrified when they found out I didn't ask for the date. They gave me a bad time because, and lectured me saying, you know, "That looked like a sure thing," especially from a gal that was that well versed in where all the happy hours were. So again, I didn't ask for the date on this one. 

Call number two. This one is from Coffee Meets Bagel, and this one had some real great potential. She was not available to meet on weekdays. On weekends, she only had windows of time to meet. But unfortunately, for the next two weekends, she had family stuff going on, so I wasn't able to set up a date for this one as our schedules fell through. 

So I asked a question in this situation, "If you can't meet, why is your profile online? You should be hiding your profile or taking it down when, if you're in a position where you can't meet-up." 

Call number three. This one had some real potential at first. She volunteered that COVID had nuked her dating relationship and that she would most likely be dating the same guy, had COVID not taken place. She commented how much the guy had changed, and this immediately put me into Oneitis. And the reason because of this is, there are several similarities that she was talking about. I was in a dating relationship going into COVID that COVID nuked also. So, immediately I started bonding in many aspects with what she was saying, and we were definitely in the same dating phase at this point.

Then she started talking about travel. She said, "Yeah, I was in Washington, DC a couple of weeks ago, and then last week I was in Florida, and I'm planning a trip to South America for Christmas and New Year's. I think I'm going to go to Brazil." And then she went on to say, "You know, the men on Bumble; they're just not living up to my dating standards." She said, "Paul, this call is like a first date, and I want to let you know that it takes me a couple of hours to get ready for a meet-up. So if we're going to meet, it's going to be over dinner at a nice place and drinks." 

I let her know it was great talking with her and I moved on. 

Let me talk about Rachel Greenwald's book again, Why He Didn't Call You Back. This gal fit into what is called the "Park Avenue Princess" category, and there was also a little bit of a touch of the "Why Bother" here. 

So obviously this gal was high maintenance, demonstrated discerning tastes, and dating standards. It sounded like her dating expectations were pretty high to live up to, and I honestly have no idea what they were. Eh, but that's, what's been telegraphed, so why bother?

Next one was a meet-up with a gal from Hinge. I could only schedule a coffee date for this one. So this one was a, a late afternoon. Oneitis got into this one also.

Now the conversation went well and we were bonding over hallmark Christmas movies. You know those movies you can always predict the end too, but they're still kind of fun to watch? One of the warning signs here was she didn't ask a lot of questions, and then she let me know that her kids pushed her into getting back into dating.

So this tells me she's in a different dating phase than I was. I was the third person that she'd met in online dating. And I want to share that she had an absolutely hilarious story about her first two dates. Her story was so funny it was absolutely worth meeting her just to hear it. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to share the story because it requires context to build up to, and it could be easily taken the wrong way. 

Our conversation went well. I went ahead and asked her out on a date three days later and she turned me down. She said, "I didn't feel a spark. Maybe I watch too many hallmark movies, but I'm looking for one of those romances." 

Well, 50 Daters when you hear something like this, there's nothing you can do about it. 

And for the record, when it comes to coffee dates, guys and gals, what's important to understand here is a coffee date is not where you look for a spark. This is where you help identify "normal." Is the person normal? Romance, it doesn't start over a cup of coffee in the mid-afternoon sitting across from each other. And incidentally, when you do go on a meet-up, if possible, you want to sit kitty-corner or with the elbow of the table between you. That's more when romance happens. I'll get into some additional information on that on future episodes.

You know how it is when you sit at a table? You have somebody that sits across from you and then you have somebody on your left, or your right. You want to set it up so that you are sitting and facing the person on your left or your right. When you face somebody across a table in a meet-up dating situation, that's like a job interview. We want to steer way away from that.

To follow up and end all this for December, the last two meet-ups that I had scheduled had to be postponed due to potential COVID exposures and, and cold symptoms. And then when I got back together with these gals to try and reschedule, I was ghosted in both situations.

What Did We Learn?

Paul Nelson: So let's review what we've learned from the November and December dating report on what the current dating trends are. 

Oneitis sneaks in when your options seem limited, as it did for me. The dates that I made for November and December, they took a lot of work to set up, so I started thinking about them quite a bit. When you have limited the success and no second dates, whatever dates that you can put together, you do end up focusing and thinking about those a lot more.

So to avoid Oneitis, 50 Daters, you need to have activities that you're passionate about to help get you through the rough times. An example of that would be like, if you do charity work, you need to put yourself into your charity work. Or if you're into personal growth, work towards that. If you're in the arts or performing arts, spend some time and focus on that. You need to have something that you look forward to that you're very interested in on a daily basis.

 For me as an example, again, I've mentioned I play in a cover band. I've got to learn new songs. I take weekly dance lessons. I'm currently giving the website a facelift for both 50 Dates at 50, and for our band. I'm working on this podcast and I'm taking a video course, so I have lots of stuff to keep me busy when things get rough.

Now, if your passion is about dating and relationships, you're going to be in real trouble. One of the ways you can kind of identify that is if you're mistaking  activities for passions, and some examples of that would be going out for drinks with friends. If that's one of your favorite passions, that's more of an activity. Going to Disneyland for instance, watching classic movies, that's an activity, not a passion, and a lot of people mistake this for being passion. 

We also learned here why the phone call is so important. When you get somebody on the phone, they'll generally do a good job of telling you or showing you who they are, and this does a great job of eliminating those who are on the dating apps for entertainment. It exposes those who really aren't interested in dating you. It also helps expose the professional daters and it saves you hours of potential wasted time. And to us 50 Daters, time is an extremely valuable commodity.

We've also learned here too, that meet-ups from online dating have an inherent flaw in that most times on these meet-ups, the people that you are dating or meeting up with, will not give it enough time to work. So in this case, when it comes to online dating, one and done where you just meet up and you don't hear afterwards, streaks of one and done time after time, which I call fast and furious dating or instant gratification dating, these can be normal at times. And again, this is why you need, passions to get you through this. 

50 Daters should recognize that it takes generally two or three dates for things to really start to develop, and you need to be patient and learn to slow things down. 

And that's why I'm here. I'm here to help you learn how to give yourself the best chance of getting to that second date, and that third date, so that things can develop. I'm also here to help you to identify and eliminate the minor slipups that get you quickly disqualified.

As you can see in some of my experiences for November and December, I got disqualified for a pretty lame reason or two.

 I'm hearing the dating trenches with you and I'm being upfront and honest as to how difficult dating out there right now really is. But I want to let you know, 50 Daters, we'll get through this stretch. Just stick to your dating plan, and whatever you do, do not give up.

Conclusion

Paul Nelson: And that's it for this episode. And let me give you a little dating humor before I go. This comes from laughgaff.com. Why is dating a tennis player horrible? Because love means n