Midlife Dating Podcast

Episode 9 - Why He Didn't Call You Back

• Paul Nelson • Episode 9

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In this episode, Paul first looks at the dating term "Spilling Your Guts" and how Hollywood has brainwashed men into thinking this is a wonderfully romantic idea. 

Gals (and guys), ever wonder why you didn't get a second date? Paul next gives the lowdown on the possible reasons as he reviews author Rachel Greenwald's book Why He Didn't Call You Back. In this book, Rachel interviews 1000 men to find out what went wrong. She breaks things down to the top 16 reasons and the stereotypes that fit them. As you work through your dating plan, you'll begin to see the patterns in both yourself and your dates. The good news is you can usually correct them with a series of minor adjustments. In addition, guys will discover the top five reasons they don't get to a second date. 

Many Boomers remember the instructional films shown in school. Paul here begins providing audio highlights from these videos, as they are now part of the public domain. There is nothing like dating advice from 1949 to remind us that no matter how much things change, they still stay the same.

50 Dates at 50 Website:  https://50datesat50.com/

The transcription below is provided for your convenience. Please excuse any mistakes that the automated service made in translation.

Episode 9 - Why He Didn't Call You Back


Introduction

Paul Nelson: Gals, do you ever wonder why that guy didn't ask you out on a second date? Guys, did you ever wonder why that gal didn't return your call when you try to ask her out for a second date? Let's investigate why.

Today, I review author Rachael Greenwald's book "Why He Didn't Call You Back." Now, as you get out there and begin to start working through your dating plan, you're going to begin to recognize a multitude of repeating patterns in both your dates and yourself. We're going to start to train your eyes and your ears to identify those patterns. 

In an attempt to not oversaturate everyone with information, I'm going to keep this episode to mostly the book review because it's packed with great information that 50 Daters need to know. We'll also cover the dating term, Spilling Your Guts. 

By the end of this episode, the gals are going to know the top 16 reasons why he didn't call you back for a second date. The guys will know the top five reasons she didn't return his call for a second date. In fact, Rachel's naming of all these reasons and stereotyped behaviors are so strong, and so well thought out, that I'm going to be referring to them regularly in future episodes. And of course, you'll know why Spilling Your Guts to your dating partner is a bad idea after I explain the dating term. 

If you feel like what you hear, please take a moment and click on subscribe. I don't want you missing out on making any of your date nights more memorable. So now 50 Daters, let's start turning those dating busts into dating bests. 

Glossary Term: Spilling Your Guts

Paul Nelson: Spilling Your Guts: A conversation or series of discussions initiated mostly by men, but also insecure women, where they tell their date everything about themselves and their feelings towards their date. This almost always takes place within the first three dates. 

Brainwashed by Hollywood movies, men, in particular, are under the impression that this is very attractive to women. Men are led to think this demonstrates vulnerability, as defined by many articles found on modern dating websites. Hollywood has made many romance movies showing men spilling their guts to women, and the women finding this to be very attractive.

This is a half-truth. A woman may find the act engaging at the moment. However, her level of attraction towards the man will quickly diminish. This happens because the man is no longer a mystery to her. 

Book Review:  Why He Didn't Call You Back

Paul Nelson: Author Rachel Greenwald's Why He Didn't Call You Back is a comprehensive, in-depth look at why men don't call women back after the first date. By developing an extensive exit interview strategy, Greenwald interviewed a thousand "hims" and was able to get them to explain the real reasons why they never called back after the first date. 

The answers she got were clear and consistent. She's very logical in her approach and does a great job of explaining how she was able to get these men to be specific as to why. While written for women, her process makes the book easy for men to understand. She explains that much of this choice has to do with online dating. Online dating has led to a high percentage of first state failures, too many options, overly high expectations, screening out rather than screening in, easier rejection, and much more focus on messaging instead of phone calls and meeting in person.

One of the biggest surprises in this book is that women guessed wrong 90% of the time, why men didn't call them back. The actual reasons were categorized into the book's top 10 date breakers. Greenwald adds an additional six honorable mentions for a total of 16. She breaks down how women can categorize if they're displaying these behaviors and what they can do to make corrections.

Many women have a combination of these behaviors. However, in most cases, all that's necessary is a set of minor adjustments. The key here, and this is really important, is to not change who you are, but rather to create a context as to who you are, and present who you are in a tempered and deliberate way.

Additionally, Greenwald covers what the top five date-breaking reasons are for the morning after the first date, what the top five reasons are for women not returning men's calls, and how to recognize the things that you're doing right. In addition, Rachel also includes some client success stories as examples.

While this book is written for women, men can learn much from this, especially if they've had difficulty getting to second dates. In many cases, men are the mirror image of the 16 types listed. I've found myself laughing with Greenwald all the way through this read, as I've had many personal experiences with these date breakers.

It's essential to recognize that this book encourages awareness of your weaknesses, alongside some minor corrections, and that this small change will make a big difference in your success at getting to second and third dates.

So why do 50 Daters need to read this? While this book was published back in 2009, 95% of the information in it is still relevant. 

I'm going to be taking the liberty of listing Greenwald's date breakers, and other related content, along with a small description of each one. We're all going to recognize parts of ourselves and our dates as I go through this list, but you're going to need to purchase the book to get the in-depth scoop on how to identify, troubleshoot, and correct questionable dating behaviors.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to date with purpose, to find a really great guy or gal.

So here we go with the top 10 date breakers. And these are the deal-breakers described by men that occurred on the first date. 

Reason number one: "The Boss Lady" - Exhibits dominant behavior to the point where most men would rather hire her for professional representation rather than date her. Namedroppers and one uppers definitely fall into this category, too.

Reason number two: "The Blahs." And 50 Daters, this is one of my favorites. This is a gal that dates like she's on autopilot, with a lack of enthusiasm. She makes little or no effort to engage in the conversation, and "The Blahs" often come disguised as a self-inflicted form of "No Chemistry". Guys and gals, I see this one. All. The. Time. And unless you're a stand-up comic, I'm telling you, there is no recovery.

Reason number three: the "Bait and Switcher." Now she portrays herself one way online, and then when you meet her in person, is entirely different. And this includes misrepresentations in dating profiles. 

Reason number four: "The Park Avenue Princess." She represents herself as high maintenance and displays a general lack of appreciation. Men often perceive her as fake or superficial. 

Reason number five: "The Closer." Now, she's on a mission to find a boyfriend, husband, baby, or any combination of the three. She uses her time to effectively close the deal. 

Reason number six: "The Flasher" - Introduces negative information about herself or baggage without realizing it.

Reason number seven: "The Bitch in Boots" - Does not appear to be kind. She displays impatience and rudeness, is easily irritated, and acts entitled. 

Reason number eight: "The Debbie Downer." This is a complainer with her glass half-empty, who's never really happy. She embraces cynicism and pessimism. Now on a side note, personally speaking here 50 Daters, I've noticed that sarcasm is often a cloak for cynicism and pessimism.

Reason number nine: "The Ex-Factor." She talks about and refers to her ex-boyfriends or husbands. Women can't help themselves on this. Many subtly do it without even knowing, and it's a trap with no way out.

Reason number 10: "The One Way Street." This is a woman that's in her own world. She often interviews her date, but does not listen to what he says. She generally looks for just enough information about her date to label him, put him neatly in a box, and screen them out. 

Now let's scale beyond the top 10 for the next six. These are the six, or the bonus ones here. And so this makes the, this makes for a [RS1] total of the top 16. 

Reason number 11: "The Seinfeld." Now this is a woman that makes bizarre statements or demonstrates odd behaviors. 

Reason number 12 is "The Never Ever" - Makes absolute or uncompromising statements such as, "I never will," or "I hate…". 

Reason number 13: "Birds of a Feather." She makes statements about places she frequents. Examples could be a biker bar or a tattoo parlor, leading her to be stereotyped, otherwise known as guilt by association. 

Reason number 14 is "The Psychobabbler." This is a woman that brings up her visits to the therapist in general conversation. 

Reason number 15: "The Wino." This is a woman who drinks too much on the first date. 

Reason number 16: is "The Why Bother." This is when a woman doesn't get a call back because the man is expecting rejection. He figures he isn't successful, educated, or attractive enough for her.

Next up, we've got the top five date breakers the morning after a great first date. 

We'll start with number one here, and that's "the Sadie Hawkins." She doesn't want the guy to get away, so she flips the table and becomes the heavy pursuer. 

Next up is "The Flame Out." The couple here engages in fast and furious texting and phone calls immediately following the date. There is a high level of mutual infatuation leading to premature emotional and physical decisions. Things flame out pretty much as quickly as they caught fire. 

Next up,  number three is "The Busy Bee." This is a woman that is unable or unwilling to move things around to make time for a date, or she is way too popular with calls and texts while out on the date. 

Number four is "The Are You For Real?". Now this consists of confusing communication content in text messages. There are a lot of typos, overuse of exclamation points and emojis; there also may be rapid-fire text messages followed by long periods of dead silence. 

Number five is "The Tailspin." Now this is where a woman doesn't hear back from the man immediately after a great first date, and cognitive distortions begin to form in her mind as to why he hasn't called. By the time he does call, she's worked herself into a frenzy. This tends to lead to game playing. 

I'm telling you, 50 Daters, I've learned on the tailspin here, that just waiting three days to make the phone call after a great first date sorts this one out every time. It's it's [RS2] like clockwork.

All right, so let's go a little glass, half full here, and I'm going to go over some reasons [RS3] he does call her back. 

Greenwald explains that the danger of all the exit interview information that she presents is that a woman may focus too much on why he might not call her back, instead of why he should call her back. Once you're aware and have learned how to avoid the traps, you can focus on showing him the many reasons you're a fabulous catch. 

What she discovered in her exit interviews was that men were most impressed with kindness and thoughtfulness during the dating phase. The vast majority of divorced men who have hired Greenwald as a matchmaker in the 10 years before she wrote this book said that the number one thing that they were looking for the next time around was a kind person.

So we're going to switch it up here, and the guys need to listen to this. And this is the top five reasons the gal doesn't call him back. And this is men's poor dating behavior. 

Number one is "The Puppy Dog." This man is your typical namby pamby, puts you on a pedestal, nice guy, and serial pleaser. 

Number two is "the Yuck Factor." This man has issues with personal grooming or is a bad kisser. 

Next up, and number three is "The Garbage Man," and this is a man that uses four letter expletives, makes lewd and sexual comments, and undresses their date with their eyes. 

Number four is "The Not So Macho Man," and this is a man that lacks essential awareness of etiquette and chivalry. He displays wishy-washy behavior with no ambition or plan. 

Number five is "The Mr. Big." This man is full of himself and still revels in his past juvenile antics. He is the male equivalent of "The One Way Street."

So, let me go on to some interesting observations that Greenwald makes in her book. First observation here is that women are more likely to give a man a second chance after the first date, even if there wasn't initial attraction. Guys, this is why eliminating minor errors is so crucial in getting to the second date.

And that's what we do here at 50 Dates at 50, help you make the adjustments and corrections. Gals, same with you. Small adjustments and corrections goes a long way. Eliminating the minor errors is a key point in dating and becoming a good dater. 

Next up is, after the age of 30, women begin to notice the second guy in the room rather than the first guy, because the first guy never seems to work out. 

Next up is women often allow for more personality traits in men that might overcome physical liabilities, such as attractiveness, when it comes to the first date. When it comes to advancing to the second date, women more often will decline citing physical appearance than men.

Next point Greenwald makes is that women who feel comfortable getting feedback in a work context are highly resistant to getting feedback from a date. In this case, exit interviews go from empowering to embarrassing. Remember that Greenwald found 90% of women were wrong when they guessed why men didn't call them back.

As your reviewer's note here, generally speaking, I've witnessed women having completely two different standards when it comes to calling a man back as a work client compared to calling them back in a dating situation. And to add a little further information on that, there's a book that I'll be coming out on a report with a little bit later down the line called All the Rules.

This is a dating guide for women, and in All the Rules, it specifically defines two sets of rules for this. But, we'll get into that when I do that review. 

Next point is what Rachel calls, "The Four Out of Five Dentists Agree." In this example, a man and a woman are seated a table in a restaurant. The woman does not notice or acknowledge the waiter refilling her glass of water. Four out of five men might take this as rude, where one out of five would be impressed her focus was on him. What annoys one person may attract another and it's worthy to decipher if you're creating a pattern, or dealing with random situations, and you can fix patterns. 

So [RS4] what does this all boil down to 50 Daters? Well, one of the last great points that Rachel makes is one strike doesn't mean you're out. It's almost always a combination of little things that result in no callback. 

Dating Takes Practice - Dating Do's and Don'ts - Coronet Instructional Films 1949


What Did We Learn?

Paul Nelson: So, what did we learn today 50 Daters? To start with, we learned why Spilling Your Guts in a dating relationship is a really bad idea, and that's why we keep initial dates short - so we don't get the opportunity to say too much too soon. 

We all fit into some type of dating stereotype and it's important to identify what that stereotype is and make the necessary adjustments. I'll repeat this, as I've said in previous episodes, until every one of course agrees with me, that dating is a learned skill. 

Making a handful of minor adjustments can really be a true game-changer that leads to fun and successful dating. You're going to have to endure many throwaway dates as you identify and make necessary adjustments. This is dating with purpose and is part of the learning process. This is necessary preparation for when your dating plan eventually leads you to a quality match. When it happens, you'll be ready. And believe me, it will happen. 

Conclusion

Paul Nelson: I'm going to go ahead and end this episode on a quote from actor and comedian Groucho Marx of the Marx Brothers. One of my favorites, by the way, and I probably quote too much from him, but he said, "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

I had fun today and I look forward to being with you on the next episode to take your dating experience from Bust to Best.

And that's a really good place to be.