Midlife Dating Podcast

Episode 14 - Tinder for Baby Boomers and Gen X

• Paul Nelson • Episode 14

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Are you suffering from “Dating Profile Syndrome”? This glossary term describes what happens to users of online dating apps and legacy websites who are repeatedly subjected to the same mind-numbing profiles. Following the glossary segment, Paul discusses what "Nice Guy" behavior looks like in a movie review of Gloria Bell. Here, men and women have a first-hand look at why women shouldn’t date "Nice Guys." Then, in the Potpourri Segment, Paul reviews whether it makes sense for Boomers and Gen X to use the dating app Tinder.

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Episode 14 - Tinder for Baby Boomers or Gen X

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Introduction

Paul Nelson: The Midlife Dating Podcast, episode fourteen. 

Are you suffering from Dating Profile Syndrome? That's our glossary term for this episode, and this term describes what happens to users of online dating apps and legacy websites when subjected to the same mind-numbing dating profiles over and over again. 

So, let me ask. Have you ever wondered what Nice Guy behavior looks like? In our movie review of Gloria Bell, men will get a firsthand look at why women don't want to date Nice Guys. 

For the gals, this movie is a reminder of why you must steer clear of Nice Guys.

Now, when we talk about Nice Guys here on the Midlife Dating Podcast, they're framed in two different ways. There's nice guy, the verb, and that's what we want. We want men that do nice things like open doors and whatnot. That's the verb. Nice Guy in the form of a noun, this could be a man or a woman who harbors a negative set of traits with a give-to-get belief system.

In our Potpourri segment, I'm gonna be reviewing the dating app Tinder.

So, by the end of this episode, you'll know the symptoms of Dating Profile Syndrome, and if you're a sufferer or not, what Nice Guy behavior looks like with some real specific examples. We'll also know if it makes sense for baby boomers and gen X-ers to use Tinder as a dating platform. 

If you like what you hear, please take a moment and click on the subscribe or follow button. I don't want you missing out on making your date nights more memorable. So now, 50 Daters, let's start turning those dating busts into dating bests. 

Glossary Term - Dating Profile Syndrome

Paul Nelson: Dating Profile Syndrome. This is a condition similar to Stockholm Syndrome, where female readers of men's dating profiles, after utilizing online dating tools for an extended period of time, become interested without explanation, in cliché profiles laden with paragraphs of empty calories. 

Sufferers will answer yes to any of the following questions: Are you now excited about a man's motorcycle, boat, or 4 X 4? Are you drawn to profiles, now, that feature a shirtless, unshaven bathroom mirror selfie with the toilet seat up in the background? After reading 20 of these men's profiles, does sacrificing 90 minutes of your life to review Raspberry Award-winning movies like Howard the Duck, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, or Mannequin suddenly become appealing? If so, you may be suffering from Dating Profile Syndrome. 

Movie Review - Gloria Bell

Paul Nelson: Gloria Bell, released in 2018, is this episode's review.

This really needs to be a movie that all 50 Daters should watch. Now, this is not a feel-good movie or a comedy, but it does have some humorously sad parts. 

Gloria Bell, the main character, is played by Julianne Moore, and she's a middle-aged single woman. Gloria has been single since her divorce 12 years ago. She's typical in several aspects, as a single woman in her age group, that would be the gen X-ers and us boomers. 

She has an unfulfilling job in the insurance industry, has a couple of adult children, lives in an apartment by herself, and she likes to go dancing to songs in the disco and 80's era. One thing Gloria doesn't have, is a relationship, and the men that she's been meeting at the dance club have definitely been lacking in relationship material.

One evening at the dance club, she meets Arnold, a man that's been single for about a year now, and her attraction to him becomes quite strong. 

The Midlife Dating Podcast take here is, as I mentioned at the beginning, be aware that this is not a fun romantic movie with comic relief. It's a drama that shows the plight of a woman who gets intimate too quickly and is willing to settle for dating a Nice Guy. It also demonstrates that Nice Guys can temporarily succeed, but will eventually crash and burn. The movie further shows to 50 Dater men who your competition is, and most importantly, how to absolutely not conduct yourself in just about every situation. 

After you watch this, you'll understand why most women will not want you to pick them up at home at the beginning of a dating relationship. They don't want a real-life Arnold, and online dating websites are full of Arnolds. 

Why do 50 Daters need to watch this? Well, let's start with the gals. This movie does an excellent job establishing why women should never date Nice Guys. Arnold is a textbook example of a Nice Guy. Nice Guys accommodate and practice a negative set of traits. 

A detailed description of the characteristics can be found in the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. I know I've mentioned this book several times in several past episodes, but this is required reading for men so they understand what Nice Guy behavior is all about. It should be required reading for women so that they can quickly identify Nice Guy behavior in the men that they're meeting in online dating. 

Gloria's routine with work and family is pretty bleak. She does a pretty good job of trying to stay positive. However, she continues to go back to the dance club to meet men where the bar of entry is pretty low. Constant exposure to the low bar of entry eventually wears her down and she becomes somewhat desperate. And in this case, Gloria naturally lowers her standards. 

She finds Arnold to be attractive, despite his creepy stare and glaring insecurities. She makes the mistake of sleeping with him on the first night. With endorphins running wild in her brain, clouding Gloria's is judgment, she decides to settle for Arnold. We don't settle, right 50 Daters? We do not settle. 

Gloria needs a life passion here, and drinking and nightclub dancing may be fun, but this is not a passion. 

Now for men. 50 Dater men need to pay close attention. Men like this one in the movie, that you're gonna see all through it, are your competition, and as long as you don't do anything that Arnold does, you're gonna be way ahead of the Nice Guy competition that you've got. 

Arnold shows his Nice Guy traits and insecurities on a multitude of levels. Here's a list of things Arnold did that you should never do. Arnold starts by giving her a sad, unconfident look while he is at the bar. Then, he moves on to calling her really early in the morning to ask her out, and then he apologizes for asking her out. The next mistake he makes is professing his attraction to her on the first date. Next is taking phone calls in the middle of their dates, which is very disrespectful, not to mention where he lies to the people he's talking to on the phone. And, in the process of taking some of those calls, he completely nukes a couple of great romantic moments. That's why we put the phone on silent when we're out on dates. 

Additionally, talking exes and sensitive family financial issues early in a dating relationship is just a really bad idea. 

Next is doing paintball. They do paintball on the second date. Activity dates are great. This is what you want to do in the beginning, but paintball is something that should probably be left for several months down the road. 

Showing up at Gloria's work by surprise is also a bad idea. This is creepy, stalking behavior. He sends her apology flowers, and in most cases, this never works. 

Next, he endlessly calls her over and over. He then uses excuses in an attempt to cover up his high level of insecurity. And then one thing, too, is he becomes jealous of the previous relationship that she had with her ex-husband 12 years ago. 

So did Arnold do anything right? I can think of three things. He had the fortitude to walk up to her at the beginning, at the bar, and start a conversation with her. He got her out on the dance floor, and he properly seated her at the restaurant on the second date. Past that, there's nothing good that Arnold did. 

So, some general no-nos. Nothing good comes from talking politics or depressing subjects during a date. All this does is throw a wet blanket on romance. If you have a dysfunctional family, probably not best to put it on display at first. You want to ease into it. That's the best way to approach these things. 

When you're out on a date, the two of you need to leave all the BS behind. You want to go out and have fun. Don't bring the seriousness along for the ride.

Next is, and this goes without saying, when someone shows you who they are, you want to believe them the first time. Arnold shows who he is right up front. Lastly, before Arnold even enters the movie, Gloria is introduced to a guy named Max at the bar. And what does Max do? The first thing he does is give her a business card. Guys, never do this. 

Etiquette Intro Retro Short - Social Courtesy - Coronet Instructional Films 1951


Potpourri Segment - Tinder Dating App Review

Paul Nelson: Okay. I wanna review the dating app Tinder. It's been around about 10 years now, and this was the original swiping app. If you saw somebody's picture on Tinder, you would swipe right on them if you were interested in them. Or, if you were not interested in them, you would swipe left. If two people swiped right mutually, they would match, and you could start a conversation.

Originally users in the young age range flocked to this app for hookups, and it was very popular for that. For boomers and gen X-ers in the last few years of this app, it's really settled down quite a bit, and the majority of them use it as a regular dating platform.

The dating website Plenty of Fish is the legacy version of Tinder. What you'll see on Plenty of Fish is what you'll see on Tinder. You're gonna find people that are looking for dating, others looking for serious relationships, some looking for marriage. And yes, there have been many, many Christian religious types that are using it, seeking other Christians for dating, which gives you a pretty good idea how Tinder has changed much over the years.

Of course, unfortunately, there are many of those in the gen X and boomer age range that are attempting to mimic what the millennials were using this for and trying to use it for hookups.

In many aspects, utilizing Tinder is like a trip to Walmart. Now I'm not bashing Walmart here. Walmart has a lot of good stuff that you can get at a good price, and it makes perfectly good sense to go to Walmart for certain items.

Now Tinder is free with limited usage. Most of the profiles that you're gonna see are people using the free portion of the app. The free portion gives you the ability to get matches and send messages, but you're gonna have to deal with advertisements. The paid subscription of Tinder removes the advertisements.

In my opinion, the only real advantage to the paid part is it lets you see in advance who has already swiped right on you. This can be very useful in that you end up focusing on those that are already showing interest in you. The unpaid portion doesn't allow you to see who's swiped right on you in advance.

You also get some silly options, like super likes, and you're able to boost your profile so that more people can see it in a given period of time. I've tried boosting my profile before, but what I've ended up with is a lot of additional matches, many within my area, but a lot of them outside the 25-mile range that I use.

All dating apps have some variation of super likes. The problem with super likes, in my opinion, is if guys are using them, it, tends to make them look desperate.

Now Tinder has a video chat feature, which is free at this time, and it's really awesome as far as promoting safety. I've used it, but my recommendation is to make sure that you've got a really good internet connection when you use it. Do not be in your car in the middle of nowhere or away from a Wi-fi connection because the phone data portion can make the connection a little bit unstable. I mean, the technology is improving on this, but it makes it harder to have a conversation. So when using the chat feature, I highly recommend, as with other dating apps by the way, that you have a really good Wi-fi connection.

The beauty of the chat feature is it allows gals to have a conversation with some of these guys without giving out their phone number, and that's very important for safety. The video chat is a double-edged sword, and you're gonna actually need to practice at this. You're gonna have to watch some YouTube videos to see and learn what works properly when you do video chat. There's actually an art to it. 

See, one of the things is, you gotta have the proper lighting. Improper lighting can make you look really old. It can make you look grumpy. Then you also have to have a decent background. So, planning ahead and doing some practice on this is gonna be very important for you.

As such, I recommend sticking to the phone call instead of the video chat, if possible, but this is more generational. Gen X-ers and boomers will probably end up sticking more to the phone call, with the occasional video chat. 

If you do get into a video chat, I highly recommend you keep the chat short and ask for the date as soon as possible so you can get off the chat. The reasoning behind this is because it's easier to make a mistake in the video chat, and it's better to have a face to face, an actual face-to-face, if you wanna make your best impression. Now, many of the gals out there like to use the video chat to confirm that you look like your pictures and personally, I don't blame them. 

This app is not best as a standalone app, in my opinion, for boomers or gen X-ers. It should be used as a supplement in conjunction with other dating apps. The paid or the gold version of Tinder is $24.99 monthly or $74.99 for six months, which brings that down to $12.67 a month, which gives you the option to see ahead of time, who's swiped right on you. 

Now, the higher the population density you live in, the more useful this option is. Focusing on those that have already shown interest in you, those that have swiped right on you of course, this makes sense from a time saving point of view. As I've said many times, the less time you spend on the dating apps, the better. 

When you start to use Tinder as a supplement to your other dating apps, you're gonna begin to notice the following: I call this the Tinder sheep, or when in Rome, do as the Romans do. It's like people say to themselves, "Now that I'm on Tinder, I'm gonna lower the bar."

We've all seen those videos or those pictures of the funniest people at Walmart. This is gonna give you a pretty good idea of some of the things you're gonna see on Tinder. It's more prevalent on Tinder than it is other apps.

Many guys and gals, when they go to Tinder, go to picture only dating profiles. I've seen many examples of women that I've seen online and have actually been out on dates with through the legacy websites, when they get on Tinder, they change their profile to match what the other people on Tinder are doing, which is again, utilizing picture only dating profiles.

These would be gals that I've seen that filled out their profiles on Match or eHarmony, but when they went to Tinder, just posted pictures, with no words at all, in their profile. 

It just seems to me, in many aspects on Tinder, that the standards of behavior and etiquette have been lowered. From a guy's standpoint of view, I see the majority of women putting up these picture only dating profiles, and I've talked to a lot of gals that have also told me there are a lot of men doing this. 

One of the pluses of Tinder is they've done a really good job of removing the catfishers. It's also an excellent platform for practicing and improving your dating messaging skills. 

Remember: practice, practice, practice. Dating is a nuanced skill, and the only way you get better at it is with practice. Tinder is actually a very good platform for doing this. 

On the minus side, most men and women on Tinder are there for entertainment or are the professional dater types, so you need to have thick skin and expect to be disappointed on a regular basis. Again, this is why I recommend only using this app in conjunction with other dating apps. 

Tinder is full of a lot of shiny objects. As such, being ghosted or having your date being canceled at the last moment, is gonna be very normal here.

Remember, most people are using this app for free, and if you're using it for free also, you're gonna get what you pay for. Personally speaking, I've had some Tinder dates that have shown some really good promise, but they tended to fall apart rather quickly.

This app is best used to improve your three-message exchange technique and then ask for the phone call, as we talk about in The 3-1-1 Rule.

Tinder has a high flake rate factor, and because there's so many flakes that you're gonna run across on this app, you're gonna see just how effective The 3-1-1 Rule is at weeding them out. 

Any meetup date that you can set up off Tinder, you should be treating that as a bonus. Take these dates that you get off this app with a grain of salt. Treat all Tinder dates with respect, but also understand this app is best used for improving your dating skills.

Lessons Learned

Paul Nelson: So, what did we learn today 50 Daters? Well, humorously speaking, when subjected to enough lousy dating profiles, you may find yourself lowering your standards. I've been guilty of this myself, only to be reminded that I slipped up by the time I get to the phone call, even if it gets that far in the first place. As your dating skills get better, you'll be able to pick out those with the lower standards on the phone before you even get to the meet-up date.

Nice Guy behavior is not good behavior. I'm talking about Nice Guys as a noun. 50 Dater men strive to be Good Guys who behave with class. Our dating glossary tells the difference between Good Guys and Nice Guys, and the difference is immense. In the movie, Gloria Bell, we have example after example of how men should never act or behave.

Tinder, as a dating app, is something that the boomer and gen X crowd should probably only use as a supplement to other dating apps they are currently using. It's also good for practicing your messaging / dating skills. Any dates that you get through Tinder should be treated as a bonus and taken with a grain of salt.

Conclusion

Paul Nelson: Now here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, I'm all about providing as much value as possible for our listeners. If you've got some dating questions, I'd be happy to answer them on the podcast. The email address will be in the show notes if you'd like to contribute a question. 

Now, before we head out, I'm going to leave with this bit of dating humor, with a quote from actor and comedian Groucho Marx of the Marx brothers. And he says, "Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot."

As always, these episodes are a blast to create, and I look forward to being with you on the next one to take your dating experience from bust to best. And that's a really good place to be.