Midlife Dating Podcast

EP 16 - Dating Truths: Part 1

• Paul Nelson • Episode 16

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Have you ever heard of the Flannel Nightgown? It's our glossary term for this episode, and it explains the transition that develops in all romantic relationships.

I'll be reviewing the movie Sing Street, released in 2016. It will bring us back to the 80s when things were so much simpler. The film has a great message about taking risks in putting yourself out there and being willing to accept some levels of humiliation as you grow, learn and chase your passion. 

In the Potpourri Segment, I'll cover "Dating Truths," Part 1. These truths emerged out of repeating patterns and behaviors I began to pick up on when I started dating again in my early 50s regarding Soul Mates, Rejection, and how to test the dating waters effectively.

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Episode 16 - Dating Truths: Part 1


Introduction

Paul Nelson: Midlife Dating Podcast, Episode 16, Dating Truths, Part One. 

So have you ever heard of the Flannel Nightgown? It's our glossy term for this episode, and it explains the transition that develops in all romantic relationships. 

I'll be reviewing the movie "Sing Street" released in 2016. It'll bring us back to the eighties when things were so much more simple. The film has a great message about taking risks and putting yourself out there, and being willing to accept some levels of humiliation as you grow and learn and chase your passion.

In the Potpourri segment, I'm going to cover Dating Truths Part, One. These truths emerged out of repeating patterns and behaviors I began to pick up on when I started dating again, back in my early fifties, regarding soulmates rejection, how to test the dating waters effectively, and so much more. 

So by the end of this episode, you're going to have a great grasp on why rejection is your friend and why it's a good thing.

Also, how easy it is to increase your dating and romantic intelligence. 

 If you like what you hear, please take a moment and click on the subscribe or follow button. I don't want you missing out and making any of your date nights more memorable.

So now, 50 daters, let's start turning those dating busts into dating bests. 

Flannel Nightgown (The) - Glossary Term

Paul Nelson: The "Flannel Nightgown," also known as "Comfort Love." This is a relationship condition where sexual, sensual, and erotic energy is replaced by an affectionate cozy, and amicable bond. Reversing this relationship predicament back in the direction of the erotic requires space or distance between the couple, as discussed in Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity.

This, guys and gals, is why time apart, guy time, and gal time is so important. It's that time and space apart that will help rejuvenate that sexual tension between the couple. 

Sing Street - Chick Flick Movie Review

Paul Nelson: Sing Street, released in 2016, is the movie review for this episode. And this movie takes place in Dublin, Ireland, in 1985, and it follows Conor, a teenager getting transferred to a public school who has to deal with all the grim realities of being the new kid. He gets picked on heavily by both the staff and the students.

He meets a girl by the name of Raphina and to impress Raphina. He tells her he's making a music video and wants to know if she would like to be in it. She shows interest, so he has to quickly form a band and rehearse some songs. 

Influenced by the likes of Duran Duran, Hall & Oates, Spandau Ballet, The Cure, and Joe Jackson, Conor gives himself a makeover, which initially does not go over well. Conor's older brother, Brendan, supports him and helps him to better understand the bands of the era. Their own band begins to improve, and the chemistry builds between Conor and Raphina as they make videos. Raphina realizes the songs Conor is writing are about her, and Conor learns that he must compete with older guys for Raphina. 

Sing Street is an excellent movie about being the underdog on many fronts. The soundtrack is great, and this is definitely going to bring you back into the eighties. As an added bonus, the originals that Conor's band plays are pretty catchy too. And the story will definitely bring a smile to your face.

Now, the Midlife Dating Podcast take on this is this movie is about risks. Conor took a risk in talking with Raphina. He took a risk in starting the band, and he took a risk in making the videos.

Additionally, Conor takes a risk in wearing makeup, which, when you watch bands like Duran Duran, that's the thing to do. The ending of this movie is even high risk. The movie is also about going full throttle at something that you're passionate about.

There are several truthful scenes in this movie as Conor learns how to conduct himself around women. And I'll tell you, as far as Conor goes, I'm going to completely admit that I wore makeup in some of the hair metal bands that I played in back in the 80s. I can completely identify with Connor attempting to wear makeup.

 Why do we need to watch it? Well, this is simple; Conor, in this movie, learns that women are emotion-driven. Most guys, especially nice guys, don't understand this. They tend to view these interactions from a purely logical standpoint. Furthermore, most men don't understand the difference between dating a woman and being her boyfriend. Guys dating a woman does not make her your girlfriend.

 It's about taking a risk and putting yourself out there. When you show up for a date, put your full effort into the interaction. Don't just go through the motions. 

In this movie, Brendan explains to Conor how relationships can start for the wrong reasons. For Boomers and Gen Xers. This is true in our youth for one set of reasons.

And it is true today for a completely different set. Since we're in the third and fourth quarter of our lives, it's better to spend it with someone we really want to be with rather than one who's just convenient to be with. 

Retro Short - How Do You Know When It's Love? - Coronet Instructional Films - 1950

 

Potpourri Segment - Dating Truths Part 1

Paul Nelson: Dating Truths. Part One. 

When I began dating again in my early fifties, I, I noticed patterns and repeating behaviors in dating over a period of several years. These patterns are the origin of the Dating Truths I'm about to tell you. 

Dating Truth Number One. There is no such thing as just one soulmate for each of us. If you go out in a hundred different dates, you're gonna run across three to five really great candidates. So you have to be ready when you meet them. This is why we practice dating. You have to get out there, and you have to grow and learn to become a better dater.

So when you run across the person that has a real good potential in a dating relationship or a regular relationship for you, you have to be ready. 

Truth number two, dating more than one person at a time is nothing more than testing the waters. Doing so addresses a variety of common dating dilemmas. First off, what does it do? It eliminates Oneitis. That's when you go out with one person, and you just put everything into that one person, and when you get rejected, which you're probably going to under a lot of circumstances, it's going to really hurt.

Oneitis is something that we all go through, and the best way to reduce it or eliminate it is to be able to date more than one person at a time. So when you do get rejected, you have other options. 

Dating more than one person at a time also creates confidence. It will eventually limit or remove your fear of rejection. And when you remove that fear of rejection, it allows you to be more of yourself, and that's what makes you attractive. 

By the way. You should never tell your date that you're doing this. It's better to keep it a mystery. However, dating more than one person at a time stops. The moment you become intimate with one of the people that you're dating, and you need to focus at that point on that one person.

Dating Truth Number Three. Rejection is your friend. The faster you get rejected, the better. Embrace it. Dating more than one person at a time will eventually conquer your fear of rejection. When you do get rejected, think of it as the universe or karma having your back and intervening to keep you from getting involved with this person.

The universe is doing you a favor, and it definitely won't seem like a favor at the time the rejection takes place. It still hurts like hell. Especially if, if you've gotten four or five dates in, and the, person you're dating pulls a complete 180 on you. You'll probably never know why. So you handle it with class, and you move on. 

Acting with class and in a dignified manner is a lonely place in the dating world, my friends, but it's the foundation you want to have when karma eventually leads you to the right one for a relationship.

Dating Truth Number Four. Dating several men or women at a time is easy and is not time-consuming if approached correctly. First off, it only works if you have a dating plan and you stick to your dating plan. I've talked about dating plans in an earlier episode. You also have to budget your time and strictly stay to it. Women are born multitaskers and have no problem with this.

Practicing Right Swipe Discipline is also paramount. Now I've talked about Right Swipe Discipline, and a quick review on that is when you get on a dating app, and you are right swiping, and you start like four to six conversations. You need to put your dating app on pause at that point and work through those conversations and set up dates with those people and work through them.

Do not continue to swipe more. You need to work through the conversations and the meetups that you've started. Once you've worked through them, and under most circumstances, those potential dates will eliminate themselves one way or another. Then turn your app back on and continue to right-swipe and repeat with the next group of people.

What's also important is to keep well-written notes after calls and meetup dates. Yes, I will admit to doing this. It's the only way you can keep things straight. There was a period of time, five years ago, six years ago, that I set up five dates. I remember in one week. It's either four or five. And after that week, I could not keep track of all the conversations that I had had.

It was, it was one of the most craziest weeks, and this is where I learned that I had to stop and take notes as to the conversations that I had. What I learned was after you get done with the meetup, when you get home, go ahead and stop and take notes about what the conversation was all about.

When you're dating more than one person at a time, you got to keep this stuff straight, and Boomers and Gen Xers, we have our senior moments, so we have to keep notes. I keep notes on everything these days, and the same has to go with dating. It's the only way that you can make this work. 

Next up is understand when it comes to dating more than one person at a time that the phone and text messages are for date logistics, setting up meetups, places, times; you've got to stick to that. Save your conversations for face-to-face, not over the phone or by text. When you send a text message. I think you're missing anywhere between 70 and 90% of the communication that's going on. There's no vocal tonality, and there's no body language associated with it. I have screwed up more interactions, trying to be cute by text until I finally learned you keep it to logistics. Same with the phone call. After your first initial call, you set up the date, and you stick to that, stay off the phone.

 If you're on the phone with five or six different people, and you're having two or three conversations with each one, next thing you know, all your free time is gone. 

Next up is keep your date short, 60 to 90 minutes. 

If you have a follow-up date. One to two hours; keep them short. Why do we keep them short? Because it's easy to put your foot in your mouth. And after that date, take some notes as to what you did and what conversations you had.

Dating Truth Number Five. Dating is a learned skill set. Most people are not willing to grow to be better daters. Growth means pain and suffering during the learning process. When you start to get 20 meetups in, something remarkable and cool will begin to happen to you.

Things will begin to slow down. Do you remember the movie, The Matrix, starring Keanu Reeves, from 1999? He played the character Neo, and he took the red pill. And let me quickly. Explain what Google says about red pill, blue pill here. The terms red pill and blue pill refer to a choice between the willingness to learn a potentially unsettling or life-changing truth by taking the red pill or remaining in contented ignorance with the blue pill. When Neo took the red pill, things began to slow down, and he had more awareness as to what was going on around him. The same thing happens when you go out on more dates, the more dates you go on, things begin to slow down, and it's not quite as out of control or overwhelming.

I can use a couple of professional sports analogies in this too. In professional baseball, as batters gain experience at the plate. One of the things that happens to them is the pitches begin to slow down for them. They can actually begin to read the way the stitches on the ball spin, and they can get an idea what type of pitch it is that's coming in at them.

 They still only have fractions of a second to make a decision. Everything slows down, and they can actually make judgments on whether to swing at the ball. It takes several at-bats or years to develop this skill set.

Same with professional football. One of the things that college players remark about that they have trouble adjusting to is the speed of the pro game. When the ball is snapped in professional football, and it plays over in like three to five seconds. And in those three to five seconds, the quarterback gets the ball. He drops back a couple of steps, and he's got a variety of receivers to throw to. And he, he knows where they're going to be. And he can quickly scan the field to see which one's open or which one should be open in a matter of moments. All that comes with experience. The more experience the quarterback has, the more the game will begin to slow down for him, just as the more dates that you go on, dating will be less overwhelming, and things will slow down, and you'll be able to see and pick up on things that you didn't normally see before. 

And a lot of people are gonna say, well, I'm worried about going on these dates and screwing up. Well, you're going to screw up. If you go out on 20 dates, 20 first date meetups, 18, 19 of those people are probably people you're never gonna see again.

 These are perfect conditions to make the mistakes. Most people, all of us, need to understand that most people that we meet in online dating are not gonna be a match, most will not be.

So the cool thing is, as you get through these dates and you progress through meeting with different people, things will eventually begin to slow down, and you'll be able to read the stitches on the fastball, or you'll know where the receivers are going to be downfield. 

Things will become much more easy for you. 

Lessons Learned

Paul Nelson: So, what did we learn today, 50 Daters? We increased our awareness of the transition between erotic energy and a cozy affection of bond in a dating or committed relationship. We also learned that rejection is karma or the universe collectively having our back. We also learned that the more meetup dates you go on, the easier dating gets, as things will begin to slow down. And your awareness increases just like taking the red pill and the movie the matrix. 

We also learned that the secret to increasing our dating and romantic intelligence is as easy as just showing up for the date. And why is this? Because you'll learn something every time and you're going to improve as a result.

We also learned that Sing Street makes for a great date night in movie. 

Conclusion

Paul Nelson: Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, it's all about providing as much value as possible for our listeners. So please message me at the email address in the show notes. If you have any dating topics you'd like me to cover or have any general questions or comments.

We've reached the dating humor part of the podcast. And today's humor line goes like this. I once dated a girl that collected magazines, but she had too many issues. 

 Okay, guys and gals, it's been fun. And I look forward to being with you on the next episode to take your dating experience from a bust to a best. And that's a really good place to be.