Midlife Dating Podcast

EP 19 - Dating Truths: Part 4

• Paul Nelson • Episode 19

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Midlife Dating Podcast EP 19 – Dating Truths Part 4

Highlights for this episode:

Have you ever gone on a meetup date only to find out their colorful online charisma is nowhere to be found when you meet them in person? This is known as the Cyrano de Bergerac. It's the glossary term for this episode, and we'll take a closer look at this curious creature.

I'll be reviewing the movie Before We Go, released in 2015. This film demonstrates that even the worst of days can turn out to be the best of days. It also provides an excellent roadmap of how to proceed when things don't go as planned and how important it is to maintain a sense of humor.

In the Potpourri Segment, I'll cover "Dating Truths," Part 4. These truths emerged from repeating patterns and behaviors I began to pick up on when I started dating again in my early 50s. Today we take a look at Truths 16-20, which include, The Bigger Better Deal, The Candy Store Effect, and the outdated Three Strike Rule.

Questions, Comments, or Podcast Topic Suggestions: questions@50datesat50.com

50 Dates at 50 Website: https://50datesat50.com/

Before We Go Trailer:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNzaiGzPoUg

Definitely, Maybe role-playing clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GARQJHyaBD0

Midlife Dating Podcast

Episode 19: Dating Truths Part 4 Transcript

The transcription below is provided for your convenience. Please excuse any mistakes that the automated service made in translation.

Introduction

Paul Nelson: Midlife Dating Podcast. Episode 19, Dating Truths Part Four. 

You see a great online dating profile, and you swipe right, and an invigorating message exchange begins. To your surprise, it has a fun, flirtatious quality to it. A meet up is quickly set up as the online banter continues. Your anticipation builds for a couple of days, and you finally get a chance to meet.

The moment arrives, and you sit down, and the conversation begins, but to your astonishment, it goes nowhere. Congratulations, you've just met the Cyrano de Bergerac, the glossary term for this episode. 

Have you ever had one of those dates where Murphy's Law gets in the way, and what can go wrong ends up going wrong?

Believe it or not, this may be your chance to shine. The movie, 'Before We Go' shows us what's possible when things don't go as planned. 

In our retro segment, I constantly remind our podcast listeners to tactfully move to the meet up date as swiftly as possible. Getting in front of the person you're interested in meeting is what this is all about. 

In our Potpourri Segment, I'm going to be covering dating Truths Part Four. This will be Truths 16 through 20. A continuing look at the truths emerging from repeating patterns and behaviors I began to pick up on when I started dating again back in my early fifties. Some of the truths covered are: 

Why the Three Strike Rule is dead. Some insight on how online dating gives us the false belief that we have endless quality choices and options, which I call this Candy Store Effect. And how easy it is to be deceived by the myth of the Bigger, Better Deal. 

By the end of this episode, you'll know where to find some great examples on how to conduct yourself when things don't go well on a date and why it could actually be your chance to make a really great impression.

Additionally, you'll know how many strikes to apply when it comes to online dating and how to recognize if you've been caught up in the Candy Store.

If you like what you hear, please take a moment and click on the subscribe or follow button.

I don't want you to miss out on making your date nights more memorable. So now, 50 Daters, let's start turning those dating busts into dating bests. 

Glossary Term: The Cyrano de Bergerac

Paul Nelson: The Cyrano de Bergerac. A term used to describe a form of bait and switch that takes place in online dating, and this comes from page 72 of Rachel Greenwald's book, Why He Didn't Call You Back. This is where there is a complete disconnect between a person's spirited online persona versus the introverted and timid person who shows up for your date.

The name comes from the so-titled play, written in 1897 by Edmond Rostand. 

The play depicts Cyrano de Bergerac, a nobleman in the French Army who is gifted at poetry.

Cyrano also has an extremely large nose and is deeply embarrassed by it. He is in love with Roxane, but is ashamed to approach her because of his nose. Fellow cadet Christian falls for Roxane. He asks Cyrano for his help writing love letters to her. Cyrano agrees and pours his true feelings into the letters for Roxane in Christian's name.

Roxane falls for Christian as a result of Cyrano's words. At one point, Christian no longer wants Cyrano's assistance, and he nearly blows it with Roxane when he fails to live up to the high poetic expression standard Cyrano set for him. 

The Steve Martin / Daryl Hannah movie, Roxanne from 1987, is based on this play. The most recent version. Cyrano from 2021 is a good movie too, and it stars Peter Dinklage, who was well known for his role as Tyrion Lannister in the HBO Series Game of Thrones. 

Chick Flick Movie Review: Before We Go

Paul Nelson: Before We Go. Released in 2015. It's shortly before closing time around the Christmas holiday at New York City's Grand Central Station. Nick, played by Chris Evans, plays his trumpet, mulling over the conflicting decisions that brought him to New York. Brooke, played by Alice Eve, crosses his path, dropping her cell phone in her dash to catch the last train out.

Nick picks up the broken phone, and he finds Brooke shortly after she misses her train. Grand Central Station is now closed, so Brooke reluctantly accepts Nick's offer to get her transportation home to Boston. With $80 in cash and no cell service or available credit cards, Nick uses his positive attitude and street wit to maneuver numerous obstacles in what becomes an incredible evening that neither will ever forget. 

So what's the Midlife Dating Podcast take on this? This movie shares many similarities with Already Tomorrow in Hong Kong, where a chance meeting turns into an unexpected adventure. You'll feel like you're right there with the characters, and it never gets boring. There is very little musical soundtrack to this movie, which gives it a really good street feel, and Nick does a great job of thinking on his feet and injecting humor into each situation.

So why do listeners of the Midlife Dating Podcast need to watch this movie? First off, let me say that Nick pretty much puts on a clinic on how a guy should conduct himself. 

When something doesn't work out, he improvises. Just by doing that, he creates an adventure for the pair where most would give up in frustration. They become a team, and a bond begins to form. Sure Nick's plans don't all work out, but he has confidence and a positive attitude, and he shows that he can think on his feet. Guys need to remember that when things don't go right, it's your time to shine and be the problem solver.

There's a scene in this movie with a character known as Harry the Psychic, and he has one of the best pieces of advice when he talks about relationships. He says, "There is no perfect. There will always be struggle. You just have to pick who you want to struggle with." Brook discovers that Nick is the guy to have around when the going gets tough.

When we pick someone for a relationship, most of us do so on a fair-weather basis. Harry, the psychic, reminds us that you never really know what you've got until the chips are down and one's true character is on display. 

This movie shows us how bad dates and bad days can make for excellent story material when they happen to us. We need to be open to letting them play out. 

Nick comes close at times but holds firm to not spilling his guts. He tells Brooke just enough not to spoil many of the moments between them. 

The movie also teaches us about regret. The odds are 100% that you'll always regret not taking a chance. Like the chance Nick takes in going back to talk to his ex after encouragement from Brooke. 

We learned that Nick was using his ex as a motivating factor in his music. Brooke helps him to finally put that in perspective and move past it as he discovers his music needs to be about him.

With a little bit of humor here, too, maybe when it all comes to traveling, maybe we should all start looking for hotel graffiti.

 The movie Already Tomorrow in Hong Kong also has a great fortune-teller scene demonstrating how much fun one of these visits can be.

And lastly, the street payphone scene is an excellent example of the power of role-playing. Another superb example of the power of role-playing is also in the movie, Definitely, Maybe. There's a scene where Ryan Reynolds does a proposal rehearsal. I'll have links to these in these show notes so you can see what those scenes are that I'm talking about. 

Retro Segment: How Do You Ask for a Date?

Paul Nelson: There comes a point in the phone call where the guy just plain, flat-out needs to man up and ask for the date. In our retro segment audio clip for this episode, we have three examples of how it was and was not suggested back when we were in high school.

This audio clip comes from the Cornet Instructional Film, Dating dues, and Don'ts from 1949. Films like this were still being shown to us in the seventies, and I remember sitting through many of these in health class. 

Alan: Hello, Mr. Davis. This is Woody, uh, I mean Alan Woodruff. May I speak to Anne? 

Announcer: How do you ask for a date? What about this? 

Alan: Uh, Anne, well, uh, how about a date? Well, I, 

Anne: Well, really, no thanks, Woody.

Announcer: Hmm. Well, suppose he did it this way. 

Alan: Hi, Anne. Whatcha doing Saturday night? 

Anne: Well, I, I guess I'm busy. 

Alan: Oh yea? is there any chance of giving him the brush off for me? 

Anne: Well, of all the nerve. 

Announcer: Well, is there another way? 

Alan: Anne? This is Woody. Well, I have a ticket for the High Teen Carnival Saturday and well, would you like to go?

Anne: Why, yes, Woody. I've had to talk to my folks about it, but I think I can go. That would be fun. 

Alan: Yea, well, shall I pick you up about eight o'clock? 

Anne: That's fine, Woody. Eight o'clock Saturday. I think it'll be all right, but I'll let you know for sure. Bye. A date with Woody, Saturday.

Potpourri Segment: Dating Truths 16-20

Paul Nelson: Dating Truths. Part Four. Truths 16 through 20. 

Dating Truth Number 16. The Three Strike Rule is dead.

Simply stated, the Three Strike Rule means that a man should attempt to try asking a woman out at least three times before giving up and moving on. Or, either a man or a woman tolerating three separate instances of bad behavior on a date or a succession of dates.

 A strike is recognized as one single instance of rejection or bad behavior. Some examples of this would be, for instance, getting turned down when asking someone out on a date. 

Dating platform, message not being returned. 

A text message not being returned. 

A phone call not being returned.

Any form of Ghosting means rejection. 

A woman turning down a man asking her to dance in a social situation like in a nightclub. 

General flaky or bad dating behavior on a date, like treating the wait staff poorly, showing up 30 minutes late to a date without remorse or attempting to discuss sex or an ex during a meet up or within the first few dates.

The Three Strike Rule used to work when people had fewer dating choices or options. The rule applied back in the days before online dating, as recently as the early 2000s. In the past, most people used to meet through social circles. This meant that your friends already had some level of vetting already in place.

This vetting allowed you to make some mistakes. This gave both a guy and the gal a little breathing room. There was also a level of accountability to your friends who took the time to set you up, which means that both the guy and the gal needed to give things a reasonable attempt.

When it comes to online dating, things have morphed more to a One Strike Rule. After one instance of rejection or bad behavior, people quickly move on. Sad to say, but making a few simple conversational mistakes during a meetup can count as a strike and your toast. Hence why, I say dating is a learned skill.

Learning to maneuver through a conversation and reducing or eliminating mistakes is what gets you to the next date. And also, keeping dates short, which reduces the likelihood of you saying or doing something stupid that will cause a strike. If you have a dating plan and are following through with two or three meetup dates a month, within six months to a year, both guys and gals will recognize that the Three Strike Rule is dead.

Men especially will learn that asking a gal out even twice or trying for two strikes simply is a waste of time. The only exception to a strike is the counteroffer. This is when you ask someone out, and they are not available on the day that you asked them out, but they give you alternative days that they are available to meet.

Dating. Truth Number 17. Always apply the litmus test of the John Stamos Rule if your date is canceled or broken. Simply put, from a guy's perspective, if John Stamos called the gal that you want to date, would she clear her schedule to meet him? Absolutely. Women in our age group will recognize John as the heartthrob Uncle Jesse from the series Full House.

Similar Heartthrobs include Hugh Jackman, Jon Bon Jovi, Antonio Banderas, and George Clooney, or Brad Pitt, for that matter. Most women would completely rearrange their schedules for a date with one of these men. Translation. If she really likes you, she will make herself available in the same way for one of these guys.

If she doesn't, then you know where you stand. Unless your date was canceled with a counteroffer, it's best to apply the one strike rule here and move on. The rule also applies to gals, and the way you want to think about this is, would the guy that you're dating make room in his schedule for Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts, Renee Zellweger, or Halle Berry?

Highly likely, yes. So if he likes you, he will make himself available in the same way.

Dating Truth Number 18. When in Doubt, Conduct Yourself in Accordance with a Higher Standard. Whenever you are uncertain what your actions should be in a dating situation, you need to stop, take a step back and think about how a proper role model would react.

Actor Cary Grant is a good example from a man's perspective. He has many films to his credit. Just watch how smoothly he conducts himself in the roles that he plays. I want to give credit on this one, this role model to men's dating coach Doc Love who passed away a couple of years ago.

Cary Grant was Doc's example of conducting yourself in a higher standard, and I completely agree with Doc on this one. So, for men, ask yourself, what would Cary Grant do in this situation? The answer will quickly become pretty obvious. For example, Cary Grant would not over-pursue a woman by blowing up her phone with endless text messages and voicemails if something goes wrong. Cary Grant is not a needy man. 

From a woman's perspective, how would Audrey Hepburn or Emma Thompson react in these situations? Conducting yourself positively, politely, maturely, and confidently will be noticed by the right people. Just remember that you can recover from a lame first impression. How you conduct yourself at the end, if things go south, is how you will be remembered. 

Dating truth number 19. Online dating gives us the false belief that we have endless quality choices and options.

In the world of online dating, especially when you first get online, you're, you're overwhelmed with a vast amount of dating profiles that you'll see. Your options seem endless, but this is not reality. You will quickly learn that the majority will not engage in conversation with you because they, too, are overwhelmed with what they perceive as endless options.

The false belief of endless options for both men and women have created extremely short attention spans, especially on the dating apps. Once you initiate communication online, you need to quickly move to the phone call and set up the meetup date. If you do not do this at a reasonably fast pace, you are highly likely to lose the interaction, and it'll go nowhere.

Once it goes nowhere, you've lost your chance to meet them for probably a couple of years. There are generally no second chances.

It's important to note that most of those who initiate conversation with you will not be a good fit. As a child, a trip to the candy store for me was overwhelming. The modern equivalent is a visit to a place like IT'SUGAR. It's a chain of big candy stores in many malls across America.

When you walk in, one of the first things you see are the red licorice whips. For example, as you walk toward the licorice and all those candy jars, you're distracted by a variety of gummy bears, then the jelly beans, then the sour cherries, and the Swedish fish will distract you. By the time you see the Swedish fish, you've completely forgotten about the red licorice whips. In online dating, I call this the Candy Store Effect. This is where you continue to swipe right and get new matches before you get a chance to meet those you've already matched with. 

The Candy store effect is why a majority of conversations stall or end on dating websites or apps. We recognize this as Ghosting. People lose interest in current conversations because they start thinking that each new swiping matchup is now the one. Also known as the Bigger, Better Deal. Or the BBD, which I'll get to in a moment. 

Right Swipe Discipline is the only way to counteract the Candy Store Effect. This is where you stop swiping and make time to work through your current matches before you start to swipe again. As a result, many dates get canceled because those new matches appear to be the Bigger, Better Deal with way more potential.

When it comes to online dating, we have all been guilty of the Candy Store Effect. 

Dating Truth Number 20. At some point, we are all deceived by the myth of the Bigger, Better Deal. If your online conversation or first meetup is going well by all indications, but you get ghosted or are turned down for a follow-up date, it's likely they were presented with the Bigger, Better Deal.

In many cases, if you've gotten several dates in and that guy or gal that you've been dating shows a high level of interest in you and then suddenly pulls a 180 and is no longer interested in dating you? It's usually because they've been continuing to swipe right, and a shiny new object has appeared on their radar screen and, on paper, looks to be the Bigger, Better Deal.

The Bigger Better Deal, or the BBD, always looks great on paper but, in reality, is usually a dud and rarely pans out. As I gained experience, it became easier to realize when I got dumped for the Bigger, Better Deal. On the legacy websites, the gal's profile would be paused for about six weeks while they pursued the BBD. When you pause a profile on a legacy website, the profile will disappear, and you can't see it.

These gals would then find out that the Bigger, Better Deal was not as advertised, and then their profile would be back up online again.

When you cancel other dates for the Bigger, Better Deal, it ends up eliminating multiple dating suitors off your list all at one time. That's because the one who appears to be the BBD on paper turns out to be a narcissist or socially clueless on follow-up dates.

By going all in and chasing the BBD, you end up sacrificing the one or two others you canceled on to make way for the BBD. The odds are slim that you'll ever get a chance to meet the other one or two that you canceled on, ever, who could have been quality daters with decent relationship potential.

Single-minded dating does not work well in online dating when you are tipping your toes in the water. Be aware that the pretenders will eventually eliminate themselves. This is why you need to let things play out.

People who date with no dating plan are very susceptible to the myth of the Bigger, Better Deal. 

Lessons Learned

Paul Nelson: So what did we learn today? To start with, many of us, especially the guys, were raised on the Three Strike Rule when we were young. But in online dating, it just doesn't apply. 

When I got back into dating, I started out by using three instances of rejection when asking the gals out that I was meeting online before I moved on. The bottom line was working through three instances of rejection just didn't produce any meaningful results, but it was devastatingly effective at killing my positive morale.

To save time and to stay positive, I moved to the Two Strike Rule with no changes for the better. Eventually, after much wasted time, I moved to one strike.

If you're new to online dating, you'll be able to save yourself a lot of time and humiliation by sticking to the One Strike Rule and focusing on those who will make time to meet you.

It's okay if you don't believe me on this. If not, go ahead and try two strikes or even three and see how that goes. However, I have no doubt that you'll come to the same conclusion I did and will end up sticking to the One Strike Rule.

It's easy to look at what appears to be endless options when looking at the vast amount of dating profiles out there, but the truth is the majority will not get involved in a conversation with you. This is where dating smart comes in, and that's having a plan to effectively meet with those that you do match up with.

We also learned that when things don't go right, this could be your time to grow and learn and show you're the person to be with when the going gets tough. 

Beware of the myth of the Bigger Better Deal if you date without a plan and keep swiping as you're going on meet updates with your current matches. It's easy to become enamored enough with these new matches at the expense of your current matches. And this happens because it's easy to become overly optimistic about the recent matches due to the mystery that they represent.

The reality is the Bigger, Better Deal rarely lives up to what you imagine they are. Instead, learn to work through your current matches, so you don't get distracted. As you work through your matches with a plan, you'll soon begin to learn what is realistic and what is not.

Conclusion

Paul Nelson: Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, we're all about providing our listeners with as much value as possible. Please message me at: questions@50datesat50.com if you have any dating topics you'd like me to cover or if you have any questions or comments. The email address will be in the show notes.

So we'll end this episode with a little bit of dating humor. This one I found on Pinterest and it goes like this: "Dating an Ex is the equivalent of failing a test that you already have the answers to."

Okay, guys and gals, it's been fun, and I look forward to being with you on the next episode. To take your dating experience from a bust to a best, and that's a really good place to be.