Midlife Dating Podcast

EP 20 - Dating Truths: Part 5

• Paul Nelson • Episode 20

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Highlights for this episode:

The Glossary term for this episode is: Bromance

Paul reviews the movie Swingers, released in 1996. This movie gives us a look into dating in the 1990s, how damaging holding on to your ex and being unable to put them behind you can be, and how dance lessons can come in very handy.

In the Retro Segment, How to Succeed with Brunettes. 1967 US Navy Instructional Film. Restaurant date.

In the Potpourri Segment, Dating Truths Part 5. These truths emerged from repeating patterns and behaviors Paul began to pick up on when he started dating again in his early 50s. Today we look at Truths 21-24, which include, Your type is no longer your Type, You only get one chance, The one who gets to the meet up date first wins, and Beware of the all-or-nothing attitude.

Episode Links:

Questions, Comments, or Podcast Topic Suggestions: questions@50datesat50.com

50 Dates at 50 Website: https://50datesat50.com/

Swingers Official Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHT2zOnutCA

Swingers Answering Machine Meltdown Scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU3Pk6oDNRU

Swingers Swing Dance Scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3Ec9Wqn-ms

Cupid’s Coach Episode 51 – Dating & The Money Trap

Courtney Ryan: Which Guy Would Women Choose (Would you Rather…) 

Midlife Dating Podcast

Episode 20: Dating Truths Part 4

The transcription below is provided for your convenience. Please excuse any mistakes that the automated service made in translation.

Introduction

Paul Nelson: Episode 20, dating Truths Part Five. 

So some of the highlights for this episode, we're going to take on the glossary term Bromance, which is all about Guy Time. 

And in our Chick Flick movie review. We're going to take a look at the 1996 movie Swingers starring John Favreau, Vince Vaughn, and Ron Livingston. This movie gives us a look at dating in the 1990s and how damaging holding onto your ex and not being able to put them behind you can be. 

In our retro segment, we're going to listen to an audio portion from the United States Navy instructional training film from 1967 titled, How to Succeed with Brunettes.

In our Potpourri segment, I'm going to cover dating truths 21 through 24 of online dating. A continuing look at truths emerging from repeating patterns and behaviors I began to pick up on when I started dating again in my early fifties. Some of the truths covered in this episode are: 

Your type is no longer your type.

In online dating, you generally only get one chance. 

The one that gets to the meetup first with someone that is new to online dating usually wins additional dates. 

 By the end of this episode, you're going to learn why dance lessons could be a feather in your cap. What an answering machine or voicemail meltdown looks like, and that we all have a type we are looking for, but the reality is they are most likely not around anymore. We'll also have some awareness of why you only get one chance when it comes to online dating. 

If you like what you hear, please take a moment and click on the subscriber follow button. I don't want you to miss out on making your date nights more memorable. So now 50 daters. Let's turn those dating busts into dating bests.

Glossary Term: Bromance

Paul Nelson: Bromance. A natural, competitive kinship men have with each other in a non-sexual way. Golfing friends, sport fishermen, and drinking buddies are examples of men having a Bromantic relationship. This mindset may subconsciously carry over when writing dating profiles. This is why most men write their dating profiles in a way that would impress other men, with toys, accomplishments, and status symbols used as a means to one-up the next guy. 

Chick Flick Movie Review: Swingers

Paul Nelson: Swingers, released in 1996. The film follows the lives of a group of single guys who are aspiring entertainers seeking their break in Hollywood in the mid-1990s. 

Mike, played by John Favreau, has not gotten over a breakup with his girlfriend from New York six months earlier. His friends Rob, played by Ron Livingston, and Trent, played by Vince Vaughn. Do what they can to cheer him up and get him to move on. Mike is presented with ample opportunities to get back in the dating game but manages to self-destruct in a humorous fashion due to his attachment to his ex. With the steadfast support of his friends, Mike is able to turn things around and get his dating mojo back.

The Midlife Dating Podcast's take on this? There's a lot to like about this movie, which is a Reader's Digest version of John Favreau's autobiography, if you will. Bits and pieces of his real-life experience are mixed in with those of Vince Vaughn's real-life experiences. This makes the scenes very authentic since they're recreating recent life experiences. 

With a budget of less than $300,000, the film had to rely on creativity and acting skill. In most cases, there was no budget for extras. The people that you see at the bars, the dancers, and the band are who happen to be on location at the time of filming. The swing dance scene near the end of the movie is absolutely first-class. 

The story is about the sacrifices necessary in pursuing your dreams and the damage you can do to yourself if you don't let go of a failed relationship.

 We've all met someone who it took us a while to get past after a breakup. The movie demonstrates that once you let go and be yourself, opportunities will open up for you. 

Further exemplified is how much work was involved in meeting someone new in the 1990s. Back then, the only dating service was great expectations with their videos. We should be very grateful that we have so many options available today to meet singles, especially those of us who are in the Baby Boomer and Gen X age group.

Why do you need to watch it? There are several notable scenes that men can learn from in this movie, starting with Mike's obsession with his ex, which negatively works its way into everything around him. 

Mike often brings up serious subjects when talking to women he just met. This is a real turnoff. It's imperative to keep conversations fun and positive. Mike is also concerned about what women think about him, and that blinds him to many opportunities.

The phone meltdown scene is one of the best. I think most men, including myself when I was younger, have been guilty of this at some point in our lives. Mike needed to wait at least three days before making that phone call.

After finally letting go, Mike is able to be honest about who he is and where he is going, and this is attractive to the right woman. Trent demonstrates the most straightforward test to gauge a woman's interest level in a man.

He asks for her phone number. When he asks for the phone, he gets to it quickly and excuses himself right afterwards. That's how it's done. Remember, guys, if she does not give it to you, it's not likely they'll ever see her again. So what's the big deal? Just ask. The faster you get rejected, the better.

Next point is dance lessons can go a long way. They teach you confidence, coordination, social skills, and leadership. I've personally taken them for several years because you just never know when they're going to come in handy.

When you do take lessons, let me remind you that you absolutely do not hit on your instructor or classmates. This is like trying to date a coworker, and it will lead to many awkward situations if it does not work out, and under most circumstances, it's not going to work out.

Last point is Mike not going for the kiss at the end of the evening with Lorraine is an excellent touch that will add some positive tension between the two when they next meet.

In the show notes, I've got a link to the official trailer for Swingers. There's also a YouTube link for the swing dance scene and the answering machine meltdown scene.

Retro Segment: How to Succeed with Brunettes

Paul Nelson: Etiquette and common courtesy seem to have fallen off the curb these days. It's a lost art, if you will, especially with all the ghosting taking place and the false appearance of endless dating options that are out there. Respect and proper etiquette still go a long way with the Baby Boomers and Gen Xers.

We're going to take a listen in here on a United States Navy training film from 1967 titled. How to Succeed with Brunettes. As best as I can tell, this film appears to be more focused on officer training regarding respectful interaction with women and dating. The clip for this episode is on the proper approach to a restaurant date.

It starts by demonstrating the wrong approach, followed by what the right approach should be.

Film Announcer: How to Succeed in Business or with Brunettes or Blondes. They're all important missions. Wouldn't you agree? Well, here's one way to tackle the Brunette problem. See what you think.

First of all, be late. That'll show her you're a busy, important person, that you're not too interested in her. Play hard to get. After all, you're worth waiting for. This will make a great first impression.

Then laugh it off. Apologize. Ahh, come on. Don't be a square. Okay, now the topper. Show her what a sense of humor you have by holding her coat just a little bit too high. That's right. Next, be masterful, protective, grasp her arm firmly and steer her down those steps to the car. She can see that you are the aggressive masculine type.

What are you doing? Opening the door. You'll spoil your image. Oh, that's better. Sure. Treat her as an equal. Women like that, besides if you're late, there's no sense wasting time on things she can do for herself. Let's face it; sometimes, it's just not enough time for good manners. Right? 

Doors afford a continued supply of chances to make an impression on your companion. Don't pass one up. It's always good for a laugh and an opportunity to show off your leadership qualities. How? By leading the way, going first, naturally, that's the boy keep leading the way. Good Naval officers always lead their men or their women, in this case. When you get to your table, sit down immediately, shows you're relaxed.

Help with her coat. Well, you helped her on with it. Besides, it's her coat. She should have checked it anyway. Oh yes. Make sure you are seated so you can see what's going on too. Makes for a much more interesting evening. Now here's the perfect opportunity to demonstrate your independence.

Remain seated. After all, it's not during working hours, and you are doing him a favor by presenting your date to him. On the other hand, she should be impressed by meeting a senior officer. Hmm, no question about it. This young lady will be grateful for such a lovely evening with a charming person like you.

That's one approach to the problem of how to Succeed with Brunettes. Suppose we consider another way and see what you think.

How about starting by being on time, not just for a date, but for any social engagement or business appointment. This indicates you are a dependable business-like person, that the appointment means something to you. And let's face it; a good-looking girl isn't going to wait around too long for anybody.

Too many young men on the prowl. Make it easy for her to slip into her coat, hold it at the right height; that's being thoughtful. Watch the hair. If you muss it, you're going to lose points.

No, you don't grab her arm. You offer assistance if she needs it or wants it. She'll take your hand, or perhaps your arm, but once the need for assistance is passed, she'll give it back to you, so don't be surprised. Yes, doors do offer an excellent chance to make a good impression. It's a way to show your respect for ladies or your seniors for that matter.

Thoughtfulness. Making things easier for someone else. This is at the heart of good manners. And in the heart of every gentleman, Besides, it's the way to succeed with Brunettes. Ladies first. It's an old saying, but a good one 90% of the time. Of course, if you're entering a restaurant or something comparable and there's no maître d' or hostess to lead you to a table, then you would lead the way and select a table.

She'll expect you to help her off with her coat and arrange it over the back of her chair so it's not all over the floor. No, she shouldn't have checked it. It is common practice for a lady to wear her coat to the table, although if she indicates a preference for checking it, that's fine too.

There. She has an excellent view of the room. Good thinking. You want her to have a good time, and being able to see what's going on will be half of the fun. If you have a visitor, and you probably will when you have a companion like that, stand to show your respect for a senior or a lady. This isn't just military etiquette.

It's being a gentleman, and you present a man, even if it's the admiral himself, to a lady. Respect, again, it's his pleasure to meet her. In this case, there isn't much doubt about it. Check the menu with your date and if you have any knowledge about the specialties of the house or know particularly good dishes, let her in on it.

But once you have both decided, you do the ordering. Well, that's another approach to how to succeed with Brunettes. Looks like a winner, wouldn't you say?

Potpourri Segment: Dating Truths 21-24

Paul Nelson: Dating Truths 21 through 24. This is a continued summary of patterns and repeating behaviors. I began to notice when I started dating again in my early fifties. I'm collecting these dating truths for you so you'll have a better idea of what to expect when you enter the dating space and work your way through it.

Let's get started. Truth number 21. Your type is no longer your type. If they were, you'd still be with them. 

Let that sink in while I repeat it. Your type is no longer your type. If they were, you'd still be with them. Many in our age group, that would be Boomers, and Gen Xers, are stuck in the past. 

Guys in their fifties, sixties, and seventies are still looking for the 20 or 30-year-old they were seeking when they were in their twenties and thirties. The fact is this is not a natural match. Natural and unnatural matches are terms I learned from listening to Julie Ferman's Cupid's Coach podcast.

Julie has been a Los Angeles-based Matchmaker for over 20 years and regularly talks about the problematic matches that are not natural and clients that she's worked with who've requested them. More on Julie in a few moments. 

Let me get to an example here. Very few women in their twenties and thirties will date a man in his sixties or seventies. About the only exception to this Rule is if the man is very, very rich. 

I play guitar in a cover band, and we regularly perform in Newport Beach, California. There's a lot of wealth concentrated in that city. So during performances on Friday or Saturday night in Newport Beach, it's not uncommon to witness this unnatural match, which is a strange sight. Especially when the couple is out there on the dance floor with their hands all over each other and bumping and grinding away.

It's like watching the hotel fight scene from the 2006 movie Borat. The fight takes place in the raw between Borat, played by Sacha Baron Cohen, and Asmat. Once you see this fight, you can't unsee it, just as you can unsee the unnatural match of couples bumping and grinding on the dance floor where the guy is in his sixties or seventies, and the gal is in her 20 or thirties.

On a side note, I remember seeing Borat with my ex when we were married.

Her niece recommended the movie. I honestly had no idea what we were in for. Afterward, my ex remarked how she couldn't believe that I actually dragged her to see that movie. Again, her niece recommended this movie, and in the end, going to see Borat was a choice where I didn't know any better. Regardless, I have to take responsibility for that, as I should have researched the movie better.

Juxtaposed to the band who is under contractual obligation to play three or four sets, we really can't control what takes place on the dance floor. Well, maybe just a little bit. The band has learned that if you play songs by Rick James or some select disco songs, and you play them just a little bit faster than the original recording, there's no telling what can happen on the dance floor. 

When it comes to Gen X or Boomer men stuck in the mindset of dating women in their twenties or thirties, I would recommend they take a look at YouTuber Courtney Ryan's video, 'Which guy would women choose.'  She poses the unnatural match question to several millennial women mixed in with some of the baggage that Gen X and boomer men naturally come with.

What becomes obvious is this unnatural match is possible but highly unlikely. And for those gals that would consider it, is this really what you're looking for? I'll have a link in the show notes to this episode. Courtney's channel focuses on helpful advice for mostly men in the millennial age group. She has several great points on how women in that age group think. Some of which can apply to men in the Gen X and Boomer age group.

Likewise, many gals are still looking for the mover and shaker alpha male athletic, bad boy that could father strong, vigorous offspring. But the twist for the gals when they get into the Boomer and the Gen X Age group is the guy needs to be the same general age that she currently is. In other words, if she's in her early fifties, the guy needs to be in his early fifties. If she's in her early sixties, the guy needs to be in his early sixties, but he needs to fit these traits. Men that fit this physique are still around in the Boomer and Gen X Age group. However, they're in short supply, and the female competition for them is high. When you get into the Boomer Age group and, to some extent, Gen X, there are fewer men around, in general. This is a reality because women tend to live longer than men, and these are the age groups where this begins to take effect.

When we were in our twenties and thirties, there were plenty of single available men. Many are married now, so while there is a regular flow of them returning to the dating market, that pool is much smaller today. 

In the book, Finding a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned in Harvard Business School, author Rachel Greenwald points out that according to the 2000 US census, there were 28 million single women over the age of 35 versus only 18 million single men.

I will have more on this book in an upcoming review.

So obviously, there are fewer available men out there in the dating market over 35 years old and even less of them when you get to the Boomer age group, but here's the thing: a role reversal takes place. That is that men can easily look more distinguished as they age. So if they stay in good shape and confidently present themselves, they will find they can easily date women 10 or 12 years younger than they are for a variety of reasons. 

I've, I've had personal experience with this, so I know this to be true, and we're not talking about the 20 or 30 year unnatural match territory here for dating younger. 

Don't just take my word for this. Julie Ferman, who I mentioned earlier with her Cupid's Coach podcast, addresses this specific subject in episode 51, titled, Dating in the Money Trap. She sets things up for the first 20 minutes in this episode, and then really, it really gets interesting because she provides lots of supporting context on why successful men easily date women that are younger. It's going to be going in all kinds of directions that will surprise women in their fifties and sixties. 

In our example, for the guys, the type of gal that they're looking for is an unnatural match because they're sticking to the same physical type that they were looking for during their high school and college days, and not taking into consideration that they, themselves, have aged 30 years and aren't really thinking about how much their bodies have changed.

In our example for the gals, the match may be natural but more likely unrealistic. Unfortunately, this type of male no longer exists in the Boomer or Gen X Age group. 

One must also consider that many damaged goods in the dating pool appear to be very successful on paper but are emotionally unavailable from one or more unsuccessful marriages or long relationships. 

 Success for a Boomer now is about proper life preparation, stability, health, and emotional availability.

This package looks completely different today than what we envisioned a quality relationship to be when we were in our twenties or what serves us well in a quality relationship in our twenties all the way through our fifties. 

The trick is to grow and learn about what quality people look like and who is actually relationship material today, and not base it on what you were looking for 30-plus years ago. Both sexes need to take a realistic view of what is available in regard to singles today. 

Dating Truth Number 22. In online dating, generally speaking, you only get one chance.

This is an unwritten rule in online dating. Let me explain a little bit about it. If you let the messaging stall on the dating platform, these are your back-and-forth messages on the dating app. You've most likely lost your chance for a meetup. Anytime a conversation stalls, it's extremely difficult to get it started back up.

If you have not followed through with a phone call at the scheduled time, or you're not available for the call at the scheduled time, you've most likely lost your chance. If, for any reason, you have to cancel the meet up date, you've most likely lost your chance. If you put your foot in your mouth more than a few times at any point, that would be anywhere from the back-and-forth messaging on the dating app to the phone call to the meet up date, you've most likely lost your chance.

There are two primary reasons that you only get one chance. 

First, people default to looking for reasons to quickly rule you out as a potential dating partner. These are what we would call red flags, and they don't look for green flags or reasons to rule you in. This is basic human nature. 

Second, due to the sheer volume of other potential daters out there, that look great on paper, the options seem endless, and they'll quickly move on to one of those other options.

Unless. Let's take men. Men will give women multiple chances who are physically attractive, blonde, younger, voluptuous, and need to be rescued, and have a bad attitude. I have been guilty of trying to date the gal that needs to be rescued on several occasions in my twenties, and I learned at that point in time that you just don't date gals that need to be rescued. But many men in the Boomer and Gen X Age group have yet to learn this. 

Women will give men multiple chances who are tall, hot, rich. That means they look great on paper, emotionally unavailable, selfish, arrogant, which is mistaken for confidence in many cases or narcissistic. I am stunned at the amount of chances women will give narcissistic men.

And to kind of boil it all down here. It's hard for the good guys to compete with narcissistic men. For the gals, it's hard to compete with a woman who needs to be rescued because men naturally want to try and fix things. 

 Dating Truth number 23. In online dating, the one that gets to the meetup first with someone new to online dating usually wins. Even if you made the date first, and I've had many experiences with this, and this usually takes place within a three or a four-day window. So, for example, I've had a good dating platform message exchange followed by a good phone call, and this would take place on a Sunday, and I'll set the meetup for a Wednesday.

Only to get to the day of the meetup and have the other party cancel, citing they've already met someone off the dating app, and they want to see where it goes. That means they met with that someone on Monday or Tuesday before our scheduled meetup. This can be an absolute morale buster because you didn't even get a chance, and you didn't do anything wrong.

Additionally frustrating is the odds of the one that they're going to see where it goes with will be a bust. But you've lost your chance, and you'll probably not get it back, and you're going to end up seeing them back online in four to six weeks.

Dating Truth number 24. Be aware of the all-or-nothing attitude when approaching online dating. 

The only way to survive online dating is to not get burned out and to approach it with balance. You have to learn to smooth the feast-and-famine nature of who is available to date. Balance and smoothing out the peaks and valleys is how you get the numbers to work in your favor.

 For example, many people go all in, to one extreme. This would be attempting all at one time to maintain a blend of a dozen online messaging conversations on the dating apps while managing three or four different people with multiple phone calls to each person for hours at a time. In an attempt to try and get to know somebody over the phone.

Then somehow making it to a few actual meet up dates, and when they do make it to the meet up date, they can't remember what they talked about during their phone calls. And then, they end up repeating themselves multiple times during the date conversation and then forgetting what they talked about during that meet up by the next day. Way too many irons in the fire. 

 Then what they'll do is they'll quit and delete the dating app and say that online dating isn't working for them. Balance, Right Swipe Discipline, and sticking to the 3-1-1 Rule, minimizing texting to logistics, and getting to the meet up as quickly as possible, is how you make this work.

The 3-1-1 Rule applied to one potential dating candidate looks like this: Three mutual message exchanges on the dating app. Then you stop messaging because now you've moved it up to one phone call, and during the call, you arrange for the meet up date, and then you reduce or stop communicating. You wait for the scheduled day, and then you go to the meet up date. 

That's how you date smart and conserve your time. I'll be reviewing the 3-1-1 Rule within the next few episodes. 

Lessons Learned

Paul Nelson: So what did we learn today? First, from the movie Swingers, we learned that it's a good idea to wait at least three days before calling and asking for a date once you get a phone number. Millennial dating coaches will tell you the opposite and to ask for the date the next day, like all other men in online dating do, but don't be fooled by this. Waiting a few days builds anticipation and sets you apart from the others. Asking for the date the next day makes you look needy, and you have no life outside of dating.

We also have a pretty good idea of what an answering machine or voicemail meltdown looks like and why dance listens could easily come in handy.

There's an unwritten online dating rule that basically states that you only get one chance to get to a meetup. And you need to make the best of your one chance. 

Additionally, we learned that we need to open our search parameters up because our type is no longer our type. Our type from 30 years ago, which many are stuck on, is no longer around. So remember, your type is no longer your type. If they were, you'd still be with them.

Lastly, when you meet someone online that is new to online dating, the one that gets to the meetup date with them first usually wins, and they will get additional dates with them, and you will lose your chance, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Outro

Paul Nelson: Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, we're all about providing our listeners with as much value as possible.

Please message me at questions@50datesat50.com if you have any dating topics you'd like me to cover or if you have any questions or comments. The email address will be in the show notes. 

I'm going to go ahead and close this episode out with a quote from Chris Rock, who said, "When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative."

Okay, guys and gals, it's been fun, and I look forward to being with you in the next episode to take your dating experience from a bust to a best, and that's a really good place to be.