Midlife Dating Podcast

EP 21 - Dating Truths: Part 6

• Paul Nelson • Episode 21

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Highlights for this episode:

The Glossary term for this episode is: Ghostbusting.

Paul reviews the movie Big Stone Gap, released in 2014. This movie looks into dating and romance in the late 1970s. It demonstrates the typical outcome of what can easily happen when men try to use logic to pursue romance.

In the Retro Segment, How to Succeed with Brunettes. 1967 US Navy Instructional Film guides men on approaching a movie date.

In the Potpourri Segment, Dating Truths Part 6. Emerging Truths from repeating patterns that Paul identified when he started dating again in his early 50s. Today he reviews Truths 25-30, including the confusion between Chemistry and Infatuation, Fast and Furious Dating, and why One and Done dates will be your most common experience.

Episode Links:

Questions, Comments, or Podcast Topic Suggestions: questions@50datesat50.com

50 Dates at 50 Website: https://50datesat50.com/

Big Stone Gap Official Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx7Q9mSLrfY

How 1970s VCR dating paved the way for Tinder and Hinge:  https://www.vox.com/22262353/great-expectations-history-video-dating-vcr-apps

Episode 21 - Dating Truths: Part 6

The transcription below is provided for your convenience. Please excuse any mistakes that the automated service made in translation.

Introduction

Paul Nelson: Midlife Dating Podcast Episode 21, Dating Truths Part Six. 

Let's talk about some of the highlights for this episode. We're going to take a look at the glossary term Ghostbusting, which is about texting someone after they've ghosted you. 

In the Chick Flick movie review segment, I'm going to be taking a look at the movie Big Stone Gap, released in 2014 starring Ashley Judd and Patrick Wilson. This movie takes us back to dating in the late 1970s and shows us how men never seem to figure out that using logic to create romance isn't a winning formula.

In our retro segment, we'll take a listen to the movie date portion of the United States Navy instructional training film from 1967 titled How to Succeed with Brunettes. 

In our Potpourri segment, I'll be talking about Dating Truths 25 through 30;  When it comes to online dating. This is a continuing look at truths emerging from behaviors and repeating patterns that I began to pick up on when I started dating again in my early fifties.

By the end of this episode, some of the things that you'll learn is the difference between Chemistry and Infatuation. Recognizing if you're stuck in a Fast and Furious dating mode. The proper way to approach a movie date from the perspective of the US Navy, and you'll gain some understanding on why One and Done dates happen so often in online dating.

If you like what you hear, please take a moment and click on the follow or subscribe button. I don't want you to miss out on making your date nights more memorable. So, Now 50 daters. Let's start turning those dating busts into dating bests. 

Glossary Term: Ghostbusting

Paul Nelson: Ghostbusting. There are two variations of this term. First one is continuing to message someone after they have ghosted you. Men are prone to doing this when it should be obvious that the woman they are messaging has displayed a lack of interest by not responding. Variation number two. Sending cute or flirty messages to multiple people all at once in an attempt to reengage a conversation and to get a date.

Chick Flick Movie Review: Big Stone Gap

Paul Nelson: Big Stone Gap released in 2014. This movie takes place in the town of Big Stone Gap, Virginia, in the year of 1978. Ave, played by Ashley Judd owns and operates the family pharmacy left to her by her deceased father. She recently turned 40 and is still single. Jack played by Patrick Wilson is a worker at the local coal mine, which is central to the town's economy.

He and Ave have attended school together in their youth, and there has always been some attraction between them. When Ave's mother passes away, long-held secrets are revealed, changing the course of Ave's life. 

She and Jack cross paths on a regular basis, both through family and through Avi's experiences as the local play director and as a member of the response team for mine emergencies. Things between them begin to heat up.

So the Midlife Dating Podcast take on this is a pleasant romantic comedy with some suitable lessons to it. Guys, if you like cars, you'll quickly pick up on the movie's, attention to details, and the vehicles of the era.

Small-town life is also well represented from the overreaction to Elizabeth Taylor passing through down to the book Mobile on its daily rounds. The story is about those who may wonder if life may have passed them by leaving them to think about doing the unconscionable, and that would be settling. It's also a reminder of how much more straightforward life was in the seventies and how utterly clueless men can be in the pursuit of romance.

The film demonstrates what may happen when men come on too strong and what an epic failure it is for them to attempt to use logic to explain love. 

Why do we need to watch this movie? Well, as a wise female philosopher by the name of Cindy Lauper once said, "Girls just want to have fun."

And this is something Ave does a good job of explaining when Jack tries to use logic to propose romance. However, the movie does send one wrong message. 

While it would've made Mr. Spock on Star Trek proud, this purely logical marriage proposal is probably not something that Jack could recover from in real life. Women know that men like Jack don't change and that they are highly unlikely to provide what a woman needs to fall in love. 

In small-town life in the seventies, the odds are much better that Jack would get a second chance. But still, the scene demonstrates how unattractive it is when a man spills his guts to a woman. Guys, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube once it's out.

On a couple of additional notes here, the relationship between Ave and Spec, the town lawyer, is a rare example of an actual friendship between a woman and a man. The movie also touches upon the power of the handwritten letter. 

Retro Segment: How to Succeed with Brunettes - Movie Date - US Navy Instructional Film 1967

Paul Nelson: We're going to lighten things up here in our retro segment as we take a closer look at the United States Navy training film from 1967 titled, How to Succeed with Brunettes. In our clip for this episode, the Navy tackles the movie date. It starts by demonstrating the wrong approach, followed by what the right approach should be.

The movie date is one that I recommend that you wait several months before integrating it into your dating relationship. Activity dates are the way to go in the beginning. But getting back to the clip here, there are a lot of points on etiquette and common courtesy in this training film that never falls out of favor, which seems to be lost from most of the current millennial dating advice that many guys in the Boomer and Gen X age group seem to be embracing.

Let's have a listen. 

Film Announcer: Let's take another typical situation going to the theater. You know, there seems to be something wrong here. Ah, that's it. He's walking on the wrong side. Wonder what his next move will be. A taxi, that means a door, and that means, yes, sir. This fellow's a born leader.

One thing you can say, he's consistent, isn't he?

Uh, wait a minute. What's happening here? The girl out first, well, I guess he boxed himself in by getting into the taxi first. Too bad, but you'll make it up. That's right. Pick the seats you want.

Ooh, pardon me, sir. Sorry about that. Now to, settle down and enjoy the movie. Nothing like a little snack to add to the fun, and your neighbors will love you. 

What do you say we go through this situation again, the right way, the way that's successful with brunettes. That's more like it. You walk on the curbside at all times or on her left, and when you part company or meet a lady, a salute is the proper greeting or farewell. It's the same thing as tipping your hat when you're in civilian clothes. Believe me, the brunette is impressed.

That's right, ladies, first. It's a good rule most of the time and logical if you consider that the reason is to make things easier for the lady.

Now, here's one of those situations where the lady doesn't go first. The reason you go first is to make things easier for her to open the door and assist her in getting out of the automobile. It makes sense, just as most gentlemen traditions do, right? It's her decision on where to sit, not yours. If you want to make a good impression, be considerate of the other person.

Adjust your preferences to hers, and if you feel you must nibble on something during the show. At least do it quietly. Out of consideration for your neighbors. Well, you're squared away on how to succeed in restaurants and theaters. Let's take another situation...

 

Potpourri Segment: Dating Truths 25-30

Paul Nelson:  Dating Truths 25 through 30. 

This is a continued summary of patterns and repeating behaviors. I began to notice when I started dating again in my early fifties. I'm collecting these dating truths for you so you'll have a better idea of what to expect when you enter the dating space and work your way through it.

So without any further ado, let's get started. 

Dating Truth number 25. The length someone puts into a written dating profile is generally proportionate to the effort they will put into a dating relationship. 

It took a few years for me to have this one sink in, and it's most evident when it comes to picture-only dating profiles.

These are the profiles that have that absolute minimum regarding a written profile. There are several dating apps where you really don't need to fill anything out, and as a result, those who are lazy just post pictures. In many cases, those that post profiles only with pictures, both guys and gals, tend to be very attractive and have been able to get away with putting little or no effort into their dating due to their attractiveness. This attractiveness spills out into getting breaks into other areas of life also. My point is, who needs to put in much effort when suitors are just lining up for you?

This means that they've been in a position to pick and choose most of their life. What ends up happening here is a phenomenon where the top 10% of handsome guys date the top 10% of attractive gals. It's almost like an exclusive club because they have so many admirers and suitors.

Julie Furman talks about this on her Cupid's Coach podcast regularly. Drawing from her experiences as a Great Expectations franchisee, which was a leading video dating service decades before online dating. This was back in the 1980s and 1990s.

Generally speaking, she discovered that the top 10% of sought-after men and women ended up dating each other. She calls this group the Usual Suspects, as everybody wants to date them. They each have all the attractive qualities the opposite sex seeks. For example, men who are good-looking, over six feet tall, dress nicely, are well-educated, and highly successful at their vocation end up dating women who are in great shape, physically attractive, and equally well-educated.

These top 10 percenters, both guys and gals, are the ones that look great on paper. This is because they complete the hypothetical checkbox list of desirable traits that the other sex is looking for.

This makes it very challenging for the other 90% to break into this group. But remember, what looks excellent on paper usually doesn't pan out in other areas, such as personality, emotional availability, and a compatible value set. 

I personally looked into great expectations back in the mid-eighties, and, I've linked to a Vox article with a good history on the Great Expectations Company. If you want to learn more about what video dating was like back in the eighties and nineties. 

I seem to recall it was approximately $1,800 for a six-month or a one-year subscription back then. That would be roughly equivalent to $4,900 today.

Dating Truth number 26. Most men or women you meet in online dating have adopted the fast and furious approach to dating. 

And this happens to just about everyone when they get into online dating. You get on the dating app, and you start swiping right on some profiles that you think have some potential. Before you know it, you've got a few conversations started.

You get on the app the next day, and more potential matches are there waiting for you. This swiping thing you start to think is pretty cool, and you continue right swiping, and additional conversations start. Next thing you know, you've repeated this cycle for a week straight, and you can't keep up with all the conversations you've started, let alone make any time for moving any of those messages to a phone call.

You've now been sucked into the craziness, and this is where conversations begin to stall and the ghosting begins. The swiping is very addicting. The trick is growing to recognize how destructive the approach of continued right swiping is and make the necessary adjustments using Right Swipe Discipline to slow things way, way down.

So here's a quick short review of what Right Swipe Discipline is. You begin swiping right on profiles you're interested in and continue swiping until you get anywhere between three and six matches.

At this point, you pause your dating app, and you stop swiping. Now, let me say here stopping swiping is not good enough. You have to pause your app because if you don't pause your app, your profile is going to continue to be shown to other people. So stopping, swiping, and pausing your app is extremely important. Next, you work through those conversations, and then you set up phone calls, and you set up dates. Once you work through those dates, you unpause your app and start a new group of conversations.

And please understand that most conversations that you start will fall apart, and you'll get ghosted. 

Here's an average dating funnel for an experienced man in online dating in the Boomer age group. Emphasis on experience here. So here's the basic funnel. 

Out of 30 online conversations you're involved with on the dating apps, you will get ghosted or deleted in 20 of those conversations.

Out of the remaining ten conversations, you will set up ten phone calls. Out of the ten phone calls you schedule, the other person will not be available for that call on probably about three of them. This leaves you with seven conversations. Out of those seven conversations, you should be able to convert half of those to a meet up date.

That will be three or four meet up dates. About half of those meet up dates that you get involved in will result in second dates. So the bottom line is it takes getting involved in 30 dating app conversations to get two or three meet up dates.

That is the average that I got after I gained experience. Some months better, some months worse. I can guarantee you it will be ugly in the beginning as you grow and learn to be a better dater.

Two or three meetups in a month may not sound like all that much, but honestly, I had more dates than I could fit into my schedule, especially when I got experienced. Second and third dates became very normal. 

Right Swipe Discipline puts you in a position to maximize the contacts that you make and reduce passing over those with good dating potential.

It won't catch all those that have potential. It's not perfect, but it does work effectively with the parameters that online dating gives us. 

The next trick is to be able to identify when others are in fast and furious dating mode and understand that you may not get much of a chance with them. This is why we slow things down and maximize the probability of meeting up with those who have also slowed things down instead of moving back into fast and furious mode.

Individuals who fall into the Golden Nuggets and Diamonds in the Rough categories will be discovered when you slow the process down. 

Dating Truth number 27. Many say they are tired of the dating game. It's not a game, it's a dance. 

Just as dancing takes practice, dating takes practice. Both are learned skills, and they parallel each other. Men need to learn how to lead. Women are natural followers to a man with a plan.

When women try to take the lead in a heterosexual relationship, the male-female dynamic changes, and it won't last, and there will eventually be resentment. Those that do a little research or those that listen to this podcast will begin to understand that this traditional gender role dynamic has been going on since the days of the caveman.

And working from that perspective, they will benefit greatly. Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity, chronicles the traditional gender role dynamic. She explains why equality in a social system between men and women, which is a good thing, does not play by the same rules of equality in dating, and relationships.

This book is a must-read for anyone who wants to have a meaningful, long-lasting relationship. The only way to get better at dating is to go out and fail, just as you will fail when you first start to take dance lessons. When you start to take dance lessons, which I highly recommend, you will begin to notice that those that are more advanced will usually pick those to dance with that are also more advanced.

This mirrors dating. Those that are more experienced at it will get more dates and, in addition, a higher likelihood of subsequent dates with the same person. I personally noticed this as I became more experienced at dating and dancing . Getting second, third dates gets much easier, and this is important as you need to get two or three dates in before you can begin to get a better idea if there is long-term dating potential. 

The more you get out and date, you will notice two changes will begin to happen to you. First change is dating gets easier. The second change is dating becomes fun, and you will look forward to meeting somebody new.

Dating Truth number 28. Love at first sight, is not chemistry. It's infatuation. 

Best to call it instant mutual infatuation. Many covet this occurrence, which is a joy to experience because it doesn't happen all that often. However, it's not a blessing but rather an indicator that you are about to bypass one or more red flags. Don't believe me? If you've experienced mutual infatuation in the past, you need to take a quick inventory of your memories and think about how well it worked out for you in the long run.

I've had this experience a few times, and every time it turned into an emotional roller coaster and crashed and burned within six to eight weeks. I freely admit though, that the roller coaster ride was pretty intense.

Let me analogize this experience, and I would not recommend this particular analogy. However, if you've ever consumed an energy drink, this will make sense. Imagine having a six-pack of Monster energy drinks. You drink one, and it brings you up fast, But the sugar crash a couple of hours later is worse. Then you repeat the process by drinking another energy drink. 

A few more rounds like this, combined with some heart palpitations and your life experience, will tell you this is not worth it. 

Intense instant infatuation on a meet up date must be treated as a warning sign that you're about to do something you'll regret later. Like drinking energy drinks daily, instant chemistry or infatuation is triggered by subconsciously recognized patterns of your old type. Remember truth number 21? Your type is no longer your type?

Dating Truth number 29. The vast majority of daters say that all the good guys and gals are already taken. 

This is not true. I've passed through this state of mind on several occasions. It's generally an attitude problem. 

It is easily caused by dating burnout, leading to a negative attitude. When you say something like all the good ones are already taken, you're actually creating the condition for it to come true. I've had several personal experiences with this mindset. However, things changed for the better when I finally adjusted my thinking. 

The truth is that most guys and gals don't have a dating plan and have been searching for their old type. Under these conditions, they won't understand how to identify those with good dating potential. So they repeatedly seek and date their so-called type with the same ending experiences. 

What's that saying attributed to Albert Einstein? "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

If you are stuck in a rut where you believe all the good ones are gone or off the market, it's time to take a break, but you still have to stick to your dating plan.

You no doubt know someone that is a good one, most likely a friend who is off the market or is of the same sex. So it's obvious they are out there. The key is to stick to your dating plan and be ready when a good one does become available. 

Dating Truth Number 30. One and Done dates will be your most common experience.

This is sad but true. When you first get into online dating, you'll experience One and Done, to a high degree. This is normal in the beginning and happens because it's highly likely that either you or the person you are meeting or both of you do not have a dating plan.

This is more prevalent in the denser, populated dating pools of the metro areas. The majority that you meet in the metro areas, will be searching for the bigger, better deal, and you are likely to be one or two check-boxes short of their evolving list of dating qualifications.

You will regularly meet those with real potential, but the timing will be off, or you're simply not ready or unable to recognize quality dating potential. The only way to reduce One and Done dates is to gain dating experience and learn from your mistakes. In fact, speaking of mistakes. At one point, I remember running across a list of speed dating questions and using those questions as my go-to questions on the phone and for meetups. They worked okay on a couple of meet updates and then I crashed and burned on several more dates afterwards utilizing the same approach.

That's when I learned that sprinkling in why and how questions into the conversation was the way to go. And I was better off to leave speed dating questions to speed dating events. 

I have lots of speed dating experience, which is a topic I will bring up in a future episode.

I spent several years in the One and Done wasteland of dating purgatory. I was a notoriously lousy dater without a plan and had absolutely no structured approach, trying out piece after piece of millennial dating advice. And that's what this podcast is all about. By listening regularly, I can help you shave years off your learning curve and spend more time with those with great dating and relationship potential. 

When you get back into dating, you're going to experience or re-experience a dating learning curve. Making mistakes as you work your way through the curve is normal. Mistakes at first will be plentiful and painful, but as you gain experience and you grow as an individual, the mistakes will be significantly reduced, eventually to the point where they become very minor and easily recoverable. This is where it gets really easy to advance to second and third dates, giving you time to recognize the green flags and evaluate long-term dating potential.

Lessons Learned

Paul Nelson: Let's review some of the things we learned today. 

Let's start with the movie Big Stone Gap. We learned that men attempting to apply logic to romance will be in for a rude awakening. Additionally, men who make the same mistakes that Jack makes in the movie, like spilling his guts might get a second chance in the 1970s, but not in today's online dating world. 

From our Retro Segment, we learned that the US Navy demonstrates that etiquette is never out of vogue. 

From the online dating truths. Let's take a quick look at each one and review.

Dating Truth Number 25. The length someone puts into a written dating profile is generally proportionate to the effort they will put into a dating relationship. So I'm telling you, if all they post is pictures in their dating profile, it's a huge cautionary flag that you'll be doing all the work. 

Dating Truth Number 26. Most men or women you meet in online dating have adopted the Fast and Furious approach to dating, and this explains why ghosting happens so often and why slowing the process down is the only way to make online dating work. 

Dating Truth Number 27. Many say they are tired of the dating game, but it's not a game. It's a dance. And just like dancing is a learned skill, dating is a learned skill. Both take practice, 

Dating Truth Number 28. Love, at first sight is not chemistry. It's infatuation. Many people confuse Chemistry with Infatuation. The reality is chemistry in a dating relationship is what's left over after infatuation wears off. 

Dating Truth Number 29. The vast majority of daters say that all the good guys and gals are already taken. While we learn this simply is not true, it's a self-created attitude problem that we all go through in the online dating process. 

And finally Dating Truth Number 30. One and Done dates will be your most common experience. Here, we learn that this is very common, and how to reduce One and Done dates is to get out there and practice your dating skills. 

Conclusion

Paul Nelson: Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, we're all about providing our listeners as much value as possible.

Please message me at questions@50datesat50.com if you have any dating topics you'd like me to cover or if you have any questions or comments. The email address is in the show notes. 

So let me close this out with a little bit of dating humor from a joke I found online, and it goes like this. My date asked me if I'd ever been abroad. I said No, I've been a man since birth.

Okay, guys and gals, it's been fun, and I look forward to being with you on the next episode to take your dating experience from a bust to a best, and that's a really good place to be.