Midlife Dating Podcast

EP 22 - Knowing Where You Stand

• Paul Nelson • Episode 22

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Highlights for this episode:

The Glossary term is: Serendipidating 

In the Retro/Etiquette Segment: We listen in on how the US Navy recommends their officers conduct themselves with their dates in a small gathering. From How to Succeed with Brunettes. 1967 US Navy Instructional Film. 

Paul reviews the book: Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School by Rachel Greenwald, published in 2004. She has a 15-step, easily executable plan of action to market yourself to find better quality, datable, relationship-intentioned men. While written for women, men can easily apply most of Rachel’s advice. 

Episode Links:

Questions, Comments, or Podcast Topic Suggestions: questions@50datesat50.com 

50 Dates at 50 Website: https://50datesat50.com/ 

Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School by Rachel Greenwald. Amazon Link: https://www.amazon.com/Find-Husband-After-35-Business/dp/0345466268/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1680099504&sr=8-1

Episode 22 - Knowing Where You Stand Transcript

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Introduction

Paul Nelson: Midlife Dating Podcast. Episode 22. Knowing Where You Stand. 

Highlights for this episode include a dating and relationship book review. I'm going to be taking a look at, Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School by Rachel Greenwald. This book has so much great information in it, and I'm committing most of the podcast to its review.

Some of the things that Rachel's book covers are how to market yourself as a quality available single. How to measure the results you get in terms of quality dates. How things change, and adjustments you need to make after the age of 35. And How dating is cyclic. Same as cycles and trends in business. How to recognize if you're in a dating rut and how to get out of it and what causes Relationship Fizzle, and much, much, more.

Our glossary term is Serendipidating. 

I am combining the Retro Segment with an Etiquette Segment for this episode. We'll continue to listen to how the US Navy recommends officers conduct themselves in different dating situations. Here, we'll listen in on the recommended approach to small gatherings as presented in the United States Navy instructional training film from 1967 titled How to Succeed with Brunettes.

By the end of this episode, you'll learn if you are or ever have been a Serendipidater. 

From Rachel's book, we'll learn that the quality and quantity of your dates can be categorized into four basic groups. Those groups being The Garage Sale, The Flea Market, The Boutique, and The Upscale Department Store. 

You'll learn how to recognize which group you're dating in and how to move between those different groups for better-quality dates. On top of that, you'll learn what a dating exit strategy looks like when you find the right one. And lastly, how the US Navy recommends you introduce yourself and your date at small gatherings.

If you like what you hear, please take a moment and click on the follow or subscribe button.

I don't want you to miss out on making your date nights more memorable. So now, 50 daters, let's turn those dating busts into dating bests. 

Glossary Term: Serendipidating

Paul Nelson: Serendipipidating. This is the belief and practice of putting off a currently scheduled date down the road to a different day or canceling it altogether. This is done on the unlikely chance that you may miss out on a better date with someone else. Serendipadaters believe fate is on their side and that the bigger, better deal is just around the corner. They live in a constant state of FOMO or Fear of Missing Out. 

Retro/Etiquette Segment: How to Succeed with Brunettes - Small Gatherings - US Navy Instructional Film 1967

Paul Nelson: We'll keep things on a lighthearted basis as we take a closer look at the United States Navy training film from 1967 titled How to Succeed with Brunettes. In our clip for this episode, the Navy tackles how you should conduct yourself with your date in small gatherings. It starts by demonstrating the wrong approach, followed by what the right approach should be.

There are a lot of points on etiquette and common courtesy in this training film that never falls out of favor. Let's take a listen. 

Book Review: Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School by Rachel Greenwald

Paul Nelson: Today, I'm reviewing Find a Husband after 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School by Rachel Greenwald.

Let's first start with the Who. Rachel is a relationship expert, matchmaker, speaker, Harvard Business School graduate, and bestselling author of Find A Husband After 35, Using What I Learned in Harvard Business School, and, Have Him at Hello: Confessions from a 1000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love... or Never Call Back.

Okay, let's tackle the What. In this book, Rachel describes a 15-step program for women over the age of 35 to use when facing the dating challenges of fewer available men in the dating pool and less available social time from their careers. 

The program is based upon what Rachel learned in her professional marketing career, using her Harvard Business School education as a foundation. 

With some focus and reasonable effort, Rachel states that her clients generally find someone to marry in 12 to 18 months of using this process. I'll further note here that men can easily adapt the steps to market themselves much better in the online dating world. This is why I recommend both guys and gals read this book. 

Now for the When. Because it was published in 2004, some parts of the book refer to online reference material that is no longer operational. However, the core of the book is still very relevant. It covers how to improve your online marketability.

Now for the Where. The program starts by giving you the tools to evaluate your current situation. Then it provides steps for you to take to begin making small improvements immediately. Thus, it helps you become very efficient in the dating process. 

After you make your adjustments, Rachel provides a fascinating chart that helps correlate and adjust the quality and quantity of the dates you're getting. The end goal here is to spend your time with high-quality people who are worthy of a second and third date. 

And now for the Why. As Rachel describes in detail, she hopes to help what she terms as the lost Cinderella generation. These are women who broke the glass ceiling but broke their glass slippers along with it. This includes women in the 35-plus age group who have six significant differences from those who are younger, and men will have some of these significant differences, also. 

Difference Number One. The biological clock is ticking with constant comments from friends and family about why you're not married. If you're divorced, you've got the stress of being a single parent and the loneliness after years of having a partner.

Difference Number Two. Fewer single men. According to the 2000 US Census, there are about 28 million single women out there over the age of 35 and only 18 million single men. 

Difference Number Three. Changed bodies. This is another cold reality. 

Difference Number Four. The older you get, the more baggage you've accumulated. 

Difference Number Five. As we've become seasoned in life, many of us have formed habits that are difficult to break. They reoccur in patterns that keep you choosing the wrong type of men, or from a guy's perspective, the wrong type of gal. Being too picky about giving new people a chance, being rigid or set in your ways and putting too many hours in at the office, and being firmly entrenched in your home routine.

Difference Number Six. Insular lifestyle. You spend more time at the office and less time on the campus like it used to be when you were in college. 

Now for the How. The 15 steps teach you how to break the old habits by making small changes that can easily be adapted by anyone.

The steps fall into three groups that take approximately seven months to complete from start to finish. The first group of steps prioritizes examining your search. Finding a way to cast a broader net in that search and identifying what makes you different. The second set of steps deals with setting up the proper marketing or brand for yourself.

The third group looks at managing your search, reviewing what isn't working for you, precisely evaluating your dating results, and making adjustments to improve them. The book ends by helping you define and create an exit strategy out of dating and into a relationship.

So what's the Midlife Dating podcast impression here? What I like about this book is it's written for women, but men can equally apply most of the steps from their perspective. It's comprehensive and detailed. Best of all, it applies well to the Baby Boomer and Gen X age groups. Regardless whether you're seeking a marriage or a long-term relationship, it can help you find dateable men and women who are looking for a quality relationship.

Writing with a lighthearted and humorous approach. Rachel does not hold anything back. Many parts of the online dating world have evolved since the book's publication, so some of it is outdated. However, the majority of its parts still apply today. One of the prominent points Rachel makes to women is they need to invest in themselves.

Finding a great partner has direct costs involved in joining a dating service, buying tickets to singles events, and improving your appearance with new clothes, exercise, diet plans, hair styling, and pushup bras.

So why do listeners in the Midlife Dating podcast need to read this book? Well, let me explain. Rachel covers so much great material that there is no way I could comprehensively fit it into a few paragraphs on a blog post or even do a reasonably good job of covering this in a podcast episode. 

I've taken the liberty instead to outline some of the highlights of her most relevant points.

First relative point here is in the Baby Boomer and Gen X Age bracket; your future long-term relationship candidate may come in a completely different package than what you imagined 20 or 30 years ago.

Rachel does a good job of explaining why this is what we are looking for in our twenties, is entirely different from what we seek in a partner today. However, many are stuck in a twenties frame of mind. 

Next point is Rachel offers a complete list of little things that you can do that will open you up to meeting new singles in your daily routine. Examples of this include going to a different Starbucks or grocery store or taking some classes with recommendations on what you can do during the class breaks.

As previously mentioned, finding a better quality date starts with investing in yourself. Rachel's Dow Jane Index is a guideline for assessing your physical appearance in how you package yourself.

Both men and women will benefit from adhering to this index. It considers how you present yourself in your pictures online, how you look when you show up for the date, and even how you appear in your regular day-to-day life.

On a Midlife Dating Podcast a side note here into what Rachel is talking about. I can tell you that I reviewed thousands of profiles on Bumble, Tinder, Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, and Coffee Meets Bagel as some examples, and it's truly underwhelming how many people poorly represent themselves through their profile pictures.

On average, eight out of 10 profiles that I see have little or no effort put into the photos. In the first part of 2019, again, this is me personally speaking. I had a six-month subscription to eHarmony, and I reviewed 647 profiles. This will be a podcast in the future, of which only 9% made a good effort at creating acceptable profiles with good to excellent photographs. There was a direct correlation between photo quality and online dating success. 

Okay, I digress. Let's get back to Rachel's points. Next is, Rachel points out that many women over 35 wrongly go with shorter hair and business attire. They fall into the trap of seeking compliments from women, not realizing this is not attractive to men.

Rachel has found that 90% of the men that she has spoken with prefer longer hair on women. When it comes to attracting a man, femininity wins almost every time. Longer hair, flowing skirts, an ever so slightly revealing neckline, small-scale jewelry, manicured fingernails, and toenails combined with feminine behavior will go far. Be a woman, play the gender role, but don't be a giggly Barbie Doll.

Next point up here is it's easy to fall in love with an online fantasy man who has great photos and looks great on paper. He says all the right things has great potential, but never has time to meet. Rachel recommends that if you can't meet within two weeks, you need to move on.

And as a side note here from the Midlife Dating Podcast, I'll say that Rachel is right on the money here. I've seen many women get stuck in what Rachel terms as Love at First Type. 

Next point that Rachel makes is it's important to cast a wider net. Many women over the age of 35 are stuck in the mode of seeking a husband or a boyfriend for potential. The reality is they now come with a history because they now have a longer past with more potential failures and problems. A complex web of long-term relationships that you must fit. The silver lining is you get to see how a man has handled those failures and difficulties. It's a pretty good indicator of how much he's matured over the years. 

Next point is you create your personal brand by identifying what makes you different. Rachel walks you through a process to identify who you are and present it online. It comes down to three words or three phrases that address your physical appearance and personality. Once you get this in place, it makes it easier to write your profile and dress for, and select pictures.

Next point, online dating is the way to go, and why you should focus a good portion of your attention on this activity. Rachel explains this well as why women with whom she has worked have abandoned online dating. It turns out they haven't been approaching it correctly.

Next point is you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. Rachel recommends getting on more than one dating website and communicating with and dating more than one man at a time. People in online dating may disappear for no reason at all. 

It's easy to fool yourself into thinking that a few good dates mean the real thing is about to happen. Then the rug gets pulled out from under you. It happens quite often. So this practice mitigates disappointment. 

Side note here again for me personally here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, Rachel is one of the many relationship experts who confirms the Midlife Dating Podcast and the 50 dates at 50 approach to being open to dating more than one person at a time when you're testing the waters. 

All right, back to Rachel's points here. Next up is Rachel explains how to easily determine if you're in a dating rut and what steps you can take to work yourself out of it. For instance, you can create icebreakers and conversation starters. These are ways to present yourself in profile pictures and in person to make it easy for men to start a conversation with you. This also includes how the business product life cycle is equivalent to your dating profile and personal brand.

The cycle includes introduction, growth, maturity, and decline. Sometimes you need to reintroduce yourself or take a break to refresh. Doing this at regular intervals is essential to not losing motivation.

Further you can follow her tips on regaining motivation after you've had a series of bad dates or setbacks.

Her next point is you can use a variety of ways to market yourself, such as singles, groups, social locations, single dad spots, and online dating. 

One of the great parts here is she shows you how to analyze your dating results. The quality and quantity of the dates you've been getting are broken down into four different groups.

And the first group is what she calls the Garage Sale. This is a low volume of available men. Three dates are fewer per month, and this is also a low-quality type of guy where you want a second date with less than half of them. 

The next group is the Flea Market. This is where you're having a higher volume of men. You're finding more men using this strategy more than four or more dates per month, but the quality of the men is low. You want a second date with less than 50%. 

The Boutique. The third group is where you have a low volume of men, three dates or fewer per month, but they are high quality. And the high quality again is where you want to second date with more than 50% of them. 

The last group is The Upscale Department Store. And this is where you find a high volume of men, four or more dates per month, and high-quality of men. You want a second date with more than 50%. 

Rachel is very detailed on how to move out of The Garage Sale, Flea Market or Boutique and into The Upscale Department Store.

This, again, not only applies to women but men as well. And as a side note again here, this analysis that she goes through on these four groups, the Garage Sale, Flea Market, Boutique, and Upscale Department Store, are one of my favorite parts of the book, and her analysis is extremely accurate. There are actually certain dating websites or dating apps that apply to these four groups. 

The next thing that Rachel addresses is if you have what she calls Relationship Fizzle. This is where things don't go well after you started seeing someone. You can follow Rachel's advice on what causes it and how to correct it using a program audit that she has outlined, and it's often the result of false branding.

Near the end of the book, Rachel offers what she calls "Man"agement. This is where you learn to manage your man. And this is an exit strategy if you think this guy is relationship worthy. There are five phases to this. 

Phase number one is Keep Your Options Open. A man may look good on paper, but after a month or two, cracks in the foundation will soon appear. On a side note from the Midlife Dating Podcast, keeping your options open is sage advice. I've personally experienced dating relationships where the gal's ex often returned to the picture.

Unfortunately, when this happens, you usually get dumped immediately, and you can do nothing about. it. This happens more often than you think, especially in the Gen X and Baby Boomer age group, as we've led longer lives and have had more potential dating partners. 

Granted, many guys and gals out there will use getting back together with an ex as a general excuse to break things off. However, you can Google getting back together with an ex, and you'll find, depending on the source, that anywhere between 30% and 40% of those in the dating pool get back together with an ex.

All right. Back to the phases. 

Phase Two Make a Short List of Three Essential Qualities Your Future Man Must Possess. You need to keep it to three essential qualities because once your heart is doing back flips; it's easy to make exceptions or overlook your core three. 

You need to create three dates, she states, to test these qualities thoroughly. For example, if kindness is one of your core three. A volunteer trip with you for the day to an elder care home.

Qualities test number two. Fond of Children. A chance to babysit your niece or granddaughter with you. 

Test number three. If Spontaneous is one of your core three. You may want to have a weekend bed and breakfast invite on a one-day's notice and see how he reacts to that. 

Phase number three. Don't Throw Good Money After Bad. If he flunked one of your tests or did any of another thousand things that are deal breakers, cut your losses and quickly move on. Bad daters rationalize the warning signs. Smart daters have the discipline to end wrong relationships, even if they've invested a lot of time already. 

Phase number four. Make it an Exclusive Relationship. You need to have the talk with him about this after he passes your tests. If the talk scares him away, that's a deal breaker. Anything else that could become a deal breaker needs to be negotiated. 

Phase number five. Seal the Deal. Discuss your future with him and see how he reacts by introducing a catalyst into the conversation.

I'll have an Amazon link to this book in the show notes so that you can take a closer look at it. 

Lessons Learned

Paul Nelson: So, let's review some of the things we learned today.

From our Retro and Etiquette segment. We learned that the US Navy demonstrates that etiquette is timeless. 

From Rachel Greenwald's book, Find a Husband After 35. Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School, we learned that when it comes to dating over the age of 35, there are six basic differences that Rachel lists. When it comes to baby boomers and Gen Xers, though, we only need to pay attention to five of those, and those five are: 

Fewer available single men on the dating market.

Second is our changing bodies. 

Third is accumulated baggage as we get older. 

Fourth is, we formed habits that are difficult to break that cause us to choose the wrong type repeatedly. 

And fifth is insular lifestyles. We tend to be more home bodies than we were when we were younger. 

We also learned that dating and dating profiles have cycles, just like business cycles.

Those four basic cycles are Introduction, and Growth, and these are the two portions of the cycle where you end up learning a lot. Third is Maturity, and Maturity is where you're more than likely to meet more of the quality dates, and you'll have the awareness to spot them. And then lastly is Decline.

That's where you find yourself in a dating rut, or if you take a look at it from the perspective of a dating profile, you need to reinvent your dating profile. 

We learned that investing in your appearance and how you package yourself will pay dividends in better quality dates.

Rachel also explains that the quality and quantity of your dates can be placed into four basic categories. The first category is the Garage Sale, and as I go through all these, this will apply equally to men as women, but I'm going to be talking about it from the way Rachel approaches it, and that's from the women's point of view.

First is the Garage Sale. This is a low volume and low quality of men, and you want to date with less than 50% of the ones that you meet. 

Next off is the Flea Market. Now, this is a higher volume of men, but they are still of low quality, and you want a second date with less than 50% of the ones that you meet. 

Our third category is The Boutique, this is a lower volume of available men, but they are of higher quality, and you want a second date with more than 50% of them.

And lastly, we have The Upscale Department Store. This is a higher volume of men, and they are of higher quality, and you want a second date with more than 50% of them. 

Lastly, Rachel lays out an exit strategy to go from dating to a relationship, and this has five basic phases.

Phase number one is to keep your options open. A man may look good on paper, however, foundational cracks will appear in 30 to 60 days. 

Phase number two, make a short list of three essential qualities your future man must possess and create dates to see those qualities on display. 

Phase number three, don't throw good money after bad. Wise daters have the discipline to end things when a deal breaker happens, even if they've already invested a lot of time. 

Phase number four, have the talk about making it an exclusive relationship. If this scares him away, it's a deal breaker. 

And phase number five. Seal the deal. Discuss your future with him. 

Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, we're all about providing our listeners as much value as possible.

Please message me at questions@50dates50.com if you have any dating topics you'd like me to cover or if you have any questions or comments. The email address is in the show notes. We'll close this out with a little bit of dating humor, a joke that I found online, and it goes like this.

I have no problem getting dates online. I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews, and almonds.

Conclusion

Paul Nelson: Okay, guys and gals, it's been fun, and I look forward to being with you on the next episode to take your dating experience from a bust to a best, and that's a really good place to be.