Midlife Dating Podcast

EP 23 - The 3-1-1 Rule Refresher

• Paul Nelson • Episode 23

Share episode

Highlights for this episode:

The Glossary term is: The Maybe Date

In the Potpourri Segment, Paul offers listeners an excellent refresher on the highly effective 3-1-1 Rule. This straightforward and efficient three-step process not only helps you filter out the flakes and texting buddies but also saves you precious time, enabling you to swiftly move off the dating apps to a meet up date with someone who truly interests you.

Paul reviews the movie About Time. A heartwarming romantic comedy that will leave you feeling uplifted and inspired. With its poignant messages about the importance of cherishing every moment and what can happen when you get a do-over chance to approach dating situations with confidence.

In the Retro/Etiquette Segment – We listen in on how the US Navy recommends their officers conduct themselves with their dates at a dance or party. From How to Succeed with Brunettes. 1967 US Navy Instructional Film.

Episode Links:

About Time Official Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OIFdWk83no

Questions, Comments, or Podcast Topic Suggestions: questions@50datesat50.com

50 Dates at 50 Website: https://50datesat50.com/

Episode 23: The 3-1-1 Rule Refresher

The transcription below is provided for your convenience. Please excuse any mistakes that the automated service made in translation.

Introduction

Paul: Midlife Dating Podcast Episode 23. 

Online dating can be a frustrating experience, with many people getting stuck in endless text message conversations that never lead to actual dates. 

But there's a game-changing tool that can help you efficiently navigate the world of online dating and get you on a real-life date faster than you thought possible. 

It's called the 3-1-1 Rule, and I personally crafted it and fine-tuned it over several years. 

The Rule stands for three mutual message exchanges, one phone call, and one face-to-face meetup.

The principle behind it is that rejection is your friend, and the faster you can get to rejection, the better. I outlined this Rule in episode number one, and I'm reviewing it again in this episode as it's a cornerstone in maintaining your sanity in the online dating experience and saving your valuable time.

So how does the 3-1-1 Rule work? It all starts with initiating a conversation with someone you're interested in on the dating app or legacy website. Over the course of three mutual message exchanges, you want to establish a rapport over a mutual interest.

For my example in this episode, I'll be demonstrating how to build that rapport over the topic of hiking. 

Next, by the end of the third message exchange, you'll be quickly moving the conversation to a phone call. If the other person is interested in getting to know you better, they'll give you their phone number or suggest an alternative way to talk through the dating app itself. Once you're on the phone, you can get a better sense of each other's personalities and whether you'd like to meet in person. 

Finally, after the call, it's time to set up a face-to-face meet up. By following the sequence in the 3-1-1 Rule, you'll be able to weed out the people that are just looking for a texting buddy and get to the heart of what you're really after, a real-life connection with someone you're interested in.

This episode's glossary term is "The Maybe Date." A date that almost never takes place and is the ultimate insult and waste of time. Often used as a backup in case a primary date falls through. Full credit goes to dating coach Doc Love, on explaining what the Maybe Date is and how to identify it and to never agree to them. 

In the 2013 movie About Time, Tim Lake discovers that the men in his family have the ability to travel through time, which he uses to find love and improve his life. Despite the sci-fi element, it is a heartwarming romantic comedy with great acting and a fun story-line. Likened by Roger Ebert to the movie Groundhog Day, but with Brit accents.

The movie also explores the importance of quality time and the limitations of controlling attraction. Making it a recommended watch for listeners of the Midlife Dating Podcast.

In our Etiquette and Retro segment, we'll see how the US Navy recommends their officers conduct themselves, the right way and the wrong way, at a dance or a party in their 1967 training film. 

By the end of this episode, you'll know how to start using the 3-1-1 Rule sequence to turn the corner on your online dating experience. 

You'll also have a great weekend Romantic Comedy to check out. 

And how to identify what a Maybe Date looks like. 

If you like what you hear, please take a moment and click on the subscribe or follow button. 

I don't want you to miss out on making your date nights more memorable. So now, 50 daters, let's start turning those dating busts into dating bests. 

Let's get started. 

Glossary Term: The Maybe Date

Paul: The Maybe Date. This is a date that almost never takes place. The Maybe Date is the ultimate insult and a waste of one's most valuable commodity. And that would be time. The Maybe Date manifests itself in the form of a man or a woman responding to a date request with something like, Maybe. I'll have to check my schedule and get back to you.

Or, Maybe I have a friend I have to pick up at the airport that day. Call me to confirm an hour before the date. The Maybe Date is often used as a backup in case the primary or more important date or one that they're looking forward to falls through.

 Men are especially susceptible to this because of the way they interpret the word, maybe in dating relationships. The term maybe when used by a woman, is a nice way of saying no. When most men hear the word maybe from a woman, they interpret it to mean you've got a good chance and things are definitely going in your favor.

50 dater men and women never agree to maybe dates. 

Chick Flick Movie Review: About Time

Paul:  About Time released in 2013. 

The movie opens on New Year's Eve with 21-year-old Tim Lake, played by Domhnall Gleeson, shaking hands with a girl instead of going for the kiss when the New Year's Eve countdown completes. The next day, his father, played by Bill Nighy informs him that men in the family have a special gift, the ability to travel through time.

Tim is further told that there are limitations and consequences to these travels. Tim laughs this off but gives it a try. Upon moving to London, he uses the gift to find a girlfriend and meets Mary, played by Rachel McAdams.

So what's the Midlife Dating Podcast take on this? Even though time travel is involved, this is much more a romantic comedy than a science fiction movie. There are no special effects, and the acting is great, with a good story-line. It's very heartwarming and positive. There are plenty of laughs to go around. 

About Time is a British-made picture, and if you liked Bridget Jones's Diary, Four Weddings, and a Funeral, or Love Actually, you'll like About Time. Film critic Roger Ebert called it Groundhog Day with Brit Accents. Instead of the same day playing over and over. Tim plays out different scenarios from varying time periods. 

So why do listeners of the Midlife Dating Podcast need to watch this movie? Well, guys specifically, need to pay attention to Tim's ability to take a situation that he approached very bashfully at first and then re-approached it with confidence. He obtains much more positive outcomes. 

He also learns that while being able to go back into time allows him to make some changes, he does not have any control over women's attraction towards him. 

The movie also hits a home run on depicting what quality time is all about. On an additional note regarding this movie, the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman outlines five ways to express and Experience Love. Quality Time is one of those five ways. 

This book is required reading for anyone who wants to make a relationship work. As noted in our book review section on the 50 Dates of 50 website, I also reviewed this on a previous podcast. Many of us have become so busy we have forgotten what quality time is all about. And in the end, it's our memories that we take with us. 

I'll have a YouTube link to the official trailer for About Time in the show notes. 

Etiquette / Retro Segment: How to Conduct Yourself at a Dance or Party

Paul: In our Etiquette and Retro Segment, we'll be continuing with the US Navy's, How to Succeed with Brunettes, a training film from 1967. Here they show their officers how to and how to not conduct themselves at a dance or a party. 

Announcer:Here's a beautiful way to succeed with brunettes at a dance, at a party, wherever you may go. Leave her to shift for herself occasionally. She'll appreciate you all the more when you do return. Sure she will. When you are with her, be affectionate, show her and the other people present just how much you care for her.

She'll love it if she happens to be an exhibitionist. And for goodness sake, don't let anything or anybody spoil your fun. Don't get stuck being a nursemaid for somebody else's date. Let him worry about it. A good way to make an impression is to hold your partner tightly while moving all over the dance floor.

She'll love it. Want to dance all night with you.

Officer's Date: Shall we rest for a while? I feel as though I'm coming down with a cold or something. Maybe you could take me home?

Announcer: And then there's the right way to do things. Make sure your date has a good time, meets and dances with your friends at other times. Your place is with her. Be considerate. That's your main obligation. And if another young lady is left alone for some reason, stand by until her escort appears—consideration for others kindness. This is being a gentleman.

Hmmm. Dancing. This is good duty, no question about that. Enjoy, but be in good taste. Show respect for your date and her reputation, and she will respect you. Success with brunettes or blondes or just about anybody is built upon respect. And being a gentleman is to command respect. How to succeed with brunettes, be a gentleman.

 

3-1-1 Rule Review

Paul: This is a game-changing tool I personally crafted over the years to efficiently and effectively navigate the world of online dating. I call it the 3-1-1 Rule, which stands for; Three mutual message exchanges, one phone call, and one face-to-face meet up.

It quickly gets you off the dating app or website and on a meet up date in front of the person you're interested in. It's also highly effective at sorting out the pretenders. The Rule works on the principle that rejection is your friend. Of course, we all know rejection is no fun, but the faster you get to rejection, the better.

Let me review how this works. First, you start your message conversation with the person you're interested in on the dating app or the legacy website.

The goal here is to go to three mutual message exchanges. I chose the subject of hiking because it's a very popular activity on the dating apps and a very easy one to start a conversation around. Here would be your typical conversation and how it works. 

So let's say that John and Mary match on Coffee Meets Bagel. John goes ahead and sends Mary a message. So here's the first message exchange, John says, "Hey Mary, Happy Monday. I see that you like hiking. Have you ever hiked at Silverado Canyon before?" John hits send. 

A little while later, Mary replies. Mary says, "Happy Monday back to you, John. I've never hiked at Silverado Canyon, but I have hiked at Peters Canyon and Crystal Cove. Have you ever been to either one of those?" Mary hits send. 

Now what we've got there is our first exchange. There's one message from each party. 

So now comes the second exchange. John now responds to Mary, and John says, "Yes, I hiked Peters Canyon last year. It was a fun hike. Crystal Cove is definitely on my list, though. What is your favorite part about hiking there?" John hits send. 

A few hours later, Mary responds, and Mary says, "John, It would have to be Moro Ridge, where you can feel the ocean breeze after walking out of the hot canyon." Mary hits send. We've just completed our second message exchange there. 

About an hour later, John responds, starting the third message exchange here. And John says, "Mary, I'd like to hear more about your Crystal Cove hiking experience. Are you comfortable moving our conversation to a phone call?" John hits send. 

About 10 minutes later, Mary replies, and Mary says, "Yes, a phone call would be good. My number is 714-555-1212. I'm available to talk tomorrow afternoon, anytime." 

A few minutes later, John replies, and John says, "Mary, How about two o'clock tomorrow afternoon? I'll be calling you from 714-555-1234. Look forward to talking with you." John hits send. 

So by the third exchange, John is asking for the phone call and the phone number if it has not already been offered, as Mary has already done here in this example. This is extremely important because you want to move to the phone call as quickly as possible.

Also, note that John suggested a specific time, so now Mary knows when he plans to call, and she can make herself available. 

But Paul, what if they don't want to move it to a call? Well, then, they've automatically weeded themselves out.

Many time wasters on the dating apps are there to do nothing more than be texting buddies. It's imperative to sort them out and eliminate them quickly.

They'll go for days exchanging text messages with you, and when you finally do get around to asking them to move things to a phone call, one of two things basically happens. They'll become too busy, or they'll ghost you. Either way, the conversation stops. Or, if you're able to coax them into a meet up, through the messaging interface, it's highly likely they'll cancel on you at the last minute. 

From a woman's perspective on this, if you get to three message exchanges and the guy hasn't asked you for the phone number, it's up to you to give them a polite little shove in the right direction. If that guy keeps asking you questions, one of the best things you can do from a woman's standpoint is simply saying, "I really like that question. It would be easier to answer directly. How about we move our conversation to the phone?" Whatever you do, gals, don't give him your phone number quite yet. Make him do a little work to ask you for your phone number. And there's a reason for this.

If he responds, not asking for your phone number, he's probably more of a text buddy. And these are the guys you want to steer clear of. If you go through four exchanges and he hasn't asked for your phone number, I highly suggest you save yourself the trouble and abandon the conversation.

But Paul, I don't want to give out my phone number on the dating apps. I hear many of you on this protest. Well, guys and gals, this is not a problem. Almost all dating apps and legacy websites have a voice system where you can call the other person through the app or the dating website.

Think of it as making a Zoom or a FaceTime call through the app's interface. Both parties have a phone call or a camera icon on the app that allows you to call the other party.

So if you don't want to give out your phone number, this is the next best option. Just ask for the conversation through the dating app. This completes the three of our 3-1-1 Rule. 

Now let's, go on to the middle one of the 3-1-1 Rule, and that's the phone call. The guy has the gal's phone number at this point on the messaging interface. So what I do in this situation is I always send a return message through the interface with my phone number and also a time for us to meet for the call. Just like John did in the previous example. That way, the gal knows from what number you'll be calling. Additionally, you'll want to suggest a scheduled time for the call, again, as John did in the example.

Setting up the phone call becomes the next stage in the process of elimination of weeding out the flakes. I say this because you'll find that even if you exchange phone numbers and set up the call time. Anywhere between 30 to 50% of the time, the gal, in my experience, was unavailable for the phone call. Seriously. It all depends on the time of year and if you were sloppy with your technique on setting up the call. It's just the way the numbers shake out. 

My experience was the flake factor was around 30% Pre Covid, as high as 90% during Covid, around 50% flake factor coming out of Covid, and improved back to 30% with Covid in the rear-view mirror. Your mileage may. 

Let me give you an example. When things are going well, if you get six phone numbers out of exchanges, like the one we've been talking about on a dating app, over a given period of time, you can expect three or four of those calls out of the six to materialize. Two or three will not. It's just the way it is. The reality is there's a lot of flakes out there, and that goes for both guys and gals. 

The next point I want to make is make the call and keep it short, so once you set up a time for the phone conversation, the guy makes the call. It's best to keep the call to approximately 30 to 45 minutes, no longer than an hour, and this is very important. 

Why do we keep the phone call short? It's simple. Both parties are looking for ways to disqualify the other in online dating. That's how online dating primarily works. By ruling out, over ruling in.

In online dating, they'll review your profile, looking at what they can disqualify you on as a candidate. This is human nature. So the less that you say and the simpler you keep the conversation, the more likely you'll get a face-to-face meet up date by the end of the phone call. Lowering the odds of you disqualifying yourself gets you subsequent dates. The shorter conversations also reduce the possibility of you putting your foot in your mouth during the conversation. This, too, is also important. 

Now, guys, you need to have your act together and be prepared to ask for the face-to-face, and here's what you do. Know your schedule and make an offer. In the example earlier of John and Mary. John knows he has Wednesday and Thursday evenings free and can be available at seven o'clock on each of those nights.

As their phone conversation winds down, the best approach is for John to say, "Hey, Mary, let's have a face-to-face. It'll be a lot of fun. We could meet for a drink at the California Pizza Kitchen at the Irvine Spectrum at seven o'clock on Wednesday. What do you say?" 

Mary will either accept or decline. If Mary declines and does not give John a different optional day, he's toast. If Mary is interested and can't make it that day, she'll suggest another day or two. That's the significant identifier that she has a high level of interest. 

Next up is to be conscious of your local area and put in the work to navigate scheduling and travel challenges. Choosing a meetup location can be tricky whether you live in a large metropolitan area with heavy traffic and a sprawling freeway system or a rural area where you and your date may live several towns apart with little in between.

For example, I live in Orange County, in Southern California, home of Disneyland, and a complex freeway system and close to Los Angeles. In fact, we're so close to Los Angeles that from certain points of Orange County, you can see the downtown Los Angeles skyline. Now if I'm meeting up with a gal from Los Angeles, she may be 30 miles or less from me as the crow flies, but it could easily take 90 minutes to get to the area where she is at.

Doing some research ahead of time is great in this situation. Have a location picked out if you can. But sometimes you need to wait until after you decide on a time to choose the location. If that is the case. Quickly follow up with a suggested location shortly after the call and no later than the next morning by text to confirm that the time and the chosen location are acceptable.

Example: I sometimes had to go up to Los Angeles for a meet up, and it took me extra time to find a decent, public meet up location. Finding this could take some extra time on Google Maps. Either way, thorough location, timing, and traffic research will be your friend. As a result, you'll look thoughtful and prepared and know what it'll take to be on time. As you go on more dates, you'll become familiar with different areas and be able to have go-to locations for future meet ups.

Now we come to the final, or last one of the 3-1-1 Rule, which is the meet up date. The main thing is, guys, you want to set up what some people call a coffee date, or it could be over a drink. You don't want to do something over dinner. You can throw in some appetizers or cookies if you're out for coffee if the conversation goes well. The object of the meet up is to keep it simple and short. To see if the conversation goes well and if you have mutual attraction. 

Guys don't even think about going Dutch. If you're asking a gal out in this situation, it's your responsibility to pay. Any man that does the asking out pays for the date.

That's how it works for baby boomers and Gen Xers. If you're out with coworkers from your office, sure, split the bill. But in this situation, guys, man up and pay for the meet up date. We pay for the drinks. We pay for the coffee. We pay for the appetizers if the appetizers are appropriate and make sense.

Gals stick to and see the no strings attached value of simplicity here. It's truly in your best interest to stick to one coffee or drink or maybe an appetizer, regardless of how the meetup goes. Men who specifically want to buy you a fancy, expensive meal on the meet up, in many cases, will be expecting something in return for their investment.

This also gets gals into trouble who use the fancy meal requirement on a meet up as a screening tool for cheap men. They will have many bad dating experiences with men who want something in return for their money at the end of the date. 

Well, there you have it. The 3-1-1 Rule. Dating this way will save men and women, or both guys and gals here in the Midlife Dating Podcast, an enormous amount of time. The Rule does an excellent job of narrowing down the dating pool to the more serious daters and those that are dating with purpose. It will quickly eliminate the game players, the flakes, those on the dating apps and websites for entertainment, and the text buddies.

I know many of the rookies to online dating will scoff at the 3-1-1 Rule. But I give them six months to a year into their online dating experience before they come to their senses and embrace the simplicity and efficiency.

Implementing the 3-1-1 Rule alongside Right Swipe Discipline will become pivotal, no matter where you are in your dating journey. It will give you greater control over your time and sanity, enabling you to make more meaningful connections and enjoy the process of finding your ideal match.

So get ready to take charge and enjoy a positive online dating experience using these simple but powerful strategies. I recently reviewed the practice and technique of Right Swipe Discipline in episode 21. I also went over it in episode two. 

Lessons Learned

Paul: So, what did we learn in this episode? Well, for starters, the Maybe Date is a waste of time and an insult to those seeking genuine connections. Therefore, listeners of the Midlife Dating Podcast never agree to them.

In the movie About Time, we learned that Tim Lake uses his gift of time travel to approach dating and relationship situations with more confidence, leading to more positive outcomes. By going back in time and re-approaching situations with confidence, he was able to obtain better results in his dating life. The lesson here is that confidence is key in dating, and it's important to approach situations with a positive attitude.

The 3-1-1 Rule is a game-changing tool for online dating, which helps to quickly transition from messaging to a face-to-face meet up. The Rule involves having three mutual message exchanges, one phone call, and one meet up. The principle of the Rule is based on rejection being your friend, meaning the faster you get to rejection, the better. 

The tool works to sort out the time wasters and weed out those who are not serious about a meet up. If someone is not willing to move to a phone call after three message exchanges, they're probably not worth pursuing. 

The dating apps also offer a voice system to make calls, which is a good alternative to sharing phone numbers. 

Conclusion

Paul: Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, we're all about providing our listeners as much value as possible.

Please message me at questions@50datesat50.com. If you have any dating topics you'd like me to cover or if you have any questions or comments. The email address is in the show notes. 

We'll end this episode with an anonymous quote that I found online, and it goes like this.

"Love at first sight, is possible, but it pays to take a second look." 

Okay, guys and gals, it's been fun, and I look forward to being with you on the next episode to take your dating experience from a bust to a best, and that's a really good place to be.