Midlife Dating Podcast

EP 24 - Dating Essentials Review

• Paul Nelson • Episode 24

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Highlights for this Episode:

The Glossary term is: Orbiting, where someone keeps popping up on your social media radar, waiting to make a move for a date.

In the Retro/Etiquette Segment – We listen in on how the US Navy demonstrates to their officers the right and wrong way to handle a Dinner Invitation. From Blondes Prefer Gentlemen. 1965 US Navy Instructional Film.

Paul reviews the book: Dating Essentials for Men by Dr. Robert Glover. Highpoints include recognizing the Bad Dater Cycle, Understanding the Relationship Pyramid, where you learn to identify the correct type of person to date. And the significance of being a good ender and effectively ending relationships if they are the wrong type.

Episode Links:

Questions, Comments, or Podcast Topic Suggestions: questions@50datesat50.com

50 Dates at 50 Website: https://50datesat50.com/

Dating Essentials for Men: The Only Dating Guide You Will Ever Need by Dr. Robert Glover   Amazon Link: https://www.amazon.com/Dating-Essentials-Men-Only-Guide/dp/B09C3FQ948/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1611579163&sr=8-2

Episode 24: Dating Essentials Review

The transcription below is provided for your convenience. Please excuse any mistakes that the automated service made in translation.

Introduction

Paul Nelson: Midlife Dating Podcast Episode 24. We are your go-to source for dating wisdom and laughs. Join us on an exciting journey as we explore the ins and the outs of the dating world, specifically tailored for the Baby Boomer and Gen X age groups.

In today's episode, we're diving into a dating term that's been orbiting around the online realm. Yes, you heard it right, Orbiting. Ever heard of it? Don't worry if you haven't. We've got your back. Think of it as when someone is on the prowl that keeps popping up on your social media radar. Commenting, liking, and engaging. Waiting to make a move for a date. We'll unravel the mysteries of this phenomenon and equip you with the knowledge to navigate the orbiting and galaxy with grace and humor. 

But that's not all. Our book review segment is here to enlighten you with indispensable dating insights from Dr. Robert Glover's book, Dating Essentials for Men. Prepare to learn the secrets of confidence, assertiveness, and effective communication that will skyrocket your dating game. 

Dr. Glover's wisdom, combined with our street-smart experience, will empower you to make smart choices and forge meaningful connections in this ever-evolving dating landscape. Gals, don't fret, much of what is in this book will apply to your search, too.

And if that wasn't enough, we'll take a delightful detour into the world of etiquette. Join us as we explore the Dinner Invitation as recommended by the US Navy's unclassified training film from 1965, Blondes Prefer Gentleman. Yes, you heard it, right, we're bringing you valuable etiquette lessons from an unexpected source. Discover the dos and don'ts of social interactions, charm your way through conversations, and leave a lasting impression that will make even the smoothest Navy officer proud. 

So by the end of this episode, you'll learn the association of Orbiters with the Nice Guy archetype and what happens if orbiting is part of your dating plan. 

The nine repeating steps of the average bad dater. You'll probably recognize yourself in a few of these steps, enabling you to take action and break the cycle.

Additionally, the significance of being a good ender and effectively ending relationships.

There's not a lot of material that I've found out there on ending relationships, but Glover's book has got some really good detail on that, and we are going to look into that. And also, we're going to take a look at some examples of the right and the wrong way to approach the dinner invitation from a 1960s perspective that still holds true today. 

So buckle up and get ready for an episode filled with a little humor, some insights, and practical tips. The Midlife Dating Podcast is here to save you time, amp up your dating game, and make your journey towards finding a high-quality relationship in exciting adventure. 

Swipe right on us, and let's embark on this fantastic dating quest together. 

If you like what you hear, please take a moment and click on the subscriber follow button. I don't want you to miss out on making your date nights more memorable. So now, 50 daters, let's start turning those dating busts into dating bests. 

Glossary Term: Orbiter

Paul Nelson: Orbiter. A person, generally a man who, hangs around in the background waiting for an opportunity to date a particular woman. Orbiters are most easily recognizable as single men lurking in the background on women's social media accounts.

They always comment on how attractive the women look when they post. Women who use dating apps and websites to validate themselves prefer to keep Orbiters around as backup plans in case things do not go well with the guy they are currently dating.

Orbiters are often Nice Guys who have been Friend Zoned. They hang around, falsely believing a second chance will come their way. These Nice Guys can serve as useful voluntary stooges for dinner, drinks, and an occasional concert. 

Etiquette / Retro Segment: The Dinner Invitation from Blondes Prefer Gentlemen - 1965 US Navy Training Film

Paul Nelson: We're taking a look at a second unclassified US Navy training film. This one from 1965 titled, Blonde's Preferred Gentleman. This story revolves around a blonde, a good looking blonde, not just any blonde mine you, but a blonde that two young men, Charlie and Jack, have their sights set on. It's a battle for Blondedom, and we're here for all the drama. It starts with how to handle a dinner invitation.

Book Review: Dating Essentials for Men

Paul Nelson: Dating Essentials for Men by Dr. Robert Glover 

In his previous book. No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Glover did an outstanding job of identifying Nice Guy Behavior in men and how destructive it is. It's also important to note that women can also demonstrate Nice Guy behavior.

To add some clarity and context, let me go through a few words about his previous book and help define what a Nice Guy is. 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' is about the perils of becoming a Nice Guy. As Dr. Glover states, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will, in return, be happy, loved, and fulfilled. This is known as Nice Guy Syndrome. 

In his practice as a psychotherapist, Dr. Glover encountered countless resentful and frustrated Nice Guys. It's important to note that the term Nice Guy does not refer to someone with actual nice behavior, but rather someone with a belief system of a Nice Guy.

Many Nice Guys harbor negative traits that make them anything but nice. Some of these nice guy traits include being manipulative, being passive-aggressive, being controlling, giving to get, having deep masked rage, and having problems with intimacy and sexual relationships.

Nice Guys tend to go from one extreme to the other. They are also looking for something to fix, especially when it comes to women. Nice Guys will fall all over themselves to please the women they are dating. The women will become their projects, and Nice Guys will drop everything for those women's attention. This is known as caretaking.

The review of 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' was back on episode five with the Midlife Dating Podcast, and the written version is on the 50 Dates at 50 website, under dating and relationship books. 

So, back to the current review. 'Dating Essentials for Men' is a natural progression for men to go from being bad daters, typical of Nice Guys to confident good daters. While written for men. There is a lot of good material in this book that can also help women.

In his counseling practice, Dr. Glover has found that his clients consist of two categories. 

Category One is men who have not dated well, had few girlfriends, and have little to no sex.

Category Two is men that have recently gotten out of a long-term relationship and are back in the dating world for the first time in several years. His material will decidedly help men and women identify their dating goals and face their dating fears, enabling them to learn valuable dating skills and challenging them to act and practice these new skills.

The essentials are composed of two parts. 

Part Number One is about mastering your mind. Robert points out the many lies our minds tell us about ourselves as men. When it comes to dating and relationships, many recovering Nice Guys have an array of self-limiting beliefs, consisting mainly of an underlying fear of rejection and lack of an abundance mentality. 

Robert explains that men will naturally attract women by concentrating on traditional role models and playing toward that. The theory of attraction is also discussed on what men can do to make it naturally work for them.

Part Number Two has to do with putting things into practice. A plan or a set of steps anyone can take. The steps are broken down into small bite-sized portions, thereby enabling easy integration in your day-to-day life. 

Robert also outlines common mistakes men make in dating and how to eliminate them, covering the finer details that women notice in styling, grooming, and etiquette. Lessons that men can learn from natural players, like learning how to banter and flirt and how to define what it is you are looking for in a really great woman. 

There is an entire chapter on being a good ender, the crucial skill of properly breaking up. Secret: It's easier than you think for a variety of reasons. 

One of the book's best mental workouts is. The committing to going out with 12 women in 12 weeks exercise.

Any man is capable of doing this. It parallels with the 50 Dater mindset in regards to testing the waters. You have to be okay with dating more than one woman at a time because there will be some overlap.

Differentiation versus Fusion is also well covered. These are two terms that we've went through in earlier podcasts. 50 Daters need to understand this concept of Differentiation versus Fusion, which is one of the most underrated topics in relationships. Finding good information on this topic is a challenge outside of written books. 

Also, in the book, the section on The Paradigm Effect and how it relates to dating has great merit. This is how you seek information to support your self-limiting beliefs and ignore or minimize information that contradicts those beliefs. And shifting the paradigm to choose a woman that chooses you. 

What's the Midlife Dating Podcast take on this? Dating Essentials, reoccurring theme, goes nicely with the Midlife Dating Podcast mindset. Self-improvement and personal growth through minor adjustments. Just by making a few fine adjustments, you can see significant positive changes in your dating life. Like many of the books reviewed here, there's not enough room to cover all the detailed information. It's well-written and very comprehensive. My outline notes for this review cover 56 pages, so this only scratches the surface.

Regardless if you're a guy who's an experienced dater or just getting back into the dating game, you'll find dozens of practical things you can immediately start to use.

Why do listeners of the Midlife Dating podcast need to read this book? Well, I'm going to highlight three beneficial insights I found in this read. The exciting thing here is that they pretty much apply to both men and women.

The first beneficial insight I'm going talk about is the Bad Dater Cycle. The book slowly covers each step. 

By the time that you get to the fully laid out cycle, not only will you easily recognize things that you are or were doing wrong in many of the steps, you'll also know what to do to break the cycle at multiple points. Here is how the average bad dater approaches dating. 

Step number one. He has absolutely no plan or idea what he is looking for. He just knows he is lonely, and he believes a girlfriend is the answer to what ails him.

Step two. If he is lucky, he meets a woman who shows some interest in him. 

Step three. If she isn't too unattractive, or too attractive for that matter, he works up the nerve to ask her out. 

Step number four. He does his best to make a good impression. 

Step number five. If they seem to hit it off. He starts chatting with her on the phone and emailing on a daily basis. 

Step number six. He starts to see her as often as he can and gives up most of the things that are important to him in order to be with her.

Step number seven. If she is willing, they typically start having sex after just a few dates. 

Step number eight. He ignores all the red flags and warning signs. 

Step number nine. Even if the relationship starts going south, he does everything he can to keep it together because he doesn't want to be lonely again and start over with dating.

Sound familiar? Well, if you've been down this road, you know what? This approach leads to getting stuck with a woman who disappoints you and or drives you crazy.

The next beneficial insight is Robert's Relationship Pyramid. Let me go into this. The key to breaking the Bad Dater Cycle starts at step number one. Step number one is not having a plan. Here is where the Relationship Pyramid comes in. Robert calls it a roadmap or a guide to not only find what you're looking for, but also limit the time with the wrong woman. You have to create a five-by-five list. Five must have traits, and five won't tolerate traits. It's simple, and it takes five minutes. Once you see the traits on paper, it becomes relatively easy to align and narrow your search. The good thing is this easily applies to women, too. 

The pyramid has four categories. I've abbreviated the descriptions, so you'll need to read the book to pick up on the details and understand the nuances.

So, starting at the top of the pyramid. Is the RGW, the Really Great Woman. There is nothing you'd want to change about her from your five-by-five list. She's the only woman that she'll enter into a long-term relationship with. Dating any woman that is not an RGW is dating down or settling. Listeners to the Midlife Dating Podcast, don't settle.

Any number of women will fit the RGW category for you. Being in this category does not mean she is perfect. It's a limited category. You need to stay true to your five-by-five list and only date women who fit your list. Finding an RGW takes time, and you won't recognize her after just a few weeks of searching. Robert believes it can easily take three years to get to know a person. Never go below the RGW level.

Level number two on the pyramid is the GW; this would be the Good Woman. There are lots of good women out there. You'll end up developing short-term relationships with GWs. Short-term means you'll get to know them; they have the potential to be an admirable fit, but unfortunately, she has an item or two on your five-by-five list that you'd want to change. Never enter into a long-term relationship with a GW. Understand that you can't change someone or mold them into what you want. You'll eventually end up being somewhat dissatisfied with her and wonder what it would be like if you found a woman who met all the qualities on your five-by-five list.

Next, or third down on the relationship pyramid, is the WW. That's the Wrong Woman. These are the majority of women you'll meet. They are not bad, just not compatible with you for a variety of reasons, just as you are not compatible with most women for those same reasons.

Some examples include differences in age, language, distance, relationship, or economic status. It has nothing to do with character. Most women you meet won't be a good match for you. You'll know this because you'll have very little in common. It generally takes anywhere between 30 seconds to a couple of hours max before you know. Additionally, Robert is very explicit that any woman at work, at your place of employment, is in the WW category. Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, we agree that dating a coworker is a terrible idea, and you should never do it.

We are now at the fourth level down on the pyramid, and that is the RWW, also known as Really Wrong Women. This is misery territory, a train wreck waiting to happen. Traits include deceit, drama, insecurity, jealousy, vindictive anger, victim mentality, and addictions, to name a few. Bad Daters and Nice Guys generally wind up with the RWWs for a variety of reasons.

Unfortunately, RWWs are incredibly seductive, and just about every man has experienced this at some point in his life. They also match up well with any dysfunctions Nice Guys have. Fortunately, RWWs can be easily identified and avoided.

On a personal note, I, too, have dated my share of RWWs when I was in my twenties, and I'm thankful to come out of that period unscathed.

The last beneficial insight I'll cover here is chapter 19, and that's on being a Good Ender. Robert calls being a good ender one of the most important skills in dating, and I completely agree here at the Midlife Dating Podcast.

And I also will note that there is very little information out there on how to go about ending things. With your five-by-five list in hand, you know specifically what you are looking for. 

You understand that dating is a numbers game and that you'll be meeting some Good Women, many Wrong Women, and a few Really Wrong Women. To find the RGW or Really Good Woman, you have to go as slowly as possible to find out as quickly as possible what the woman's nature is.

You can quickly recover from being a bad picker if you learn to be a good ender.

Further, since you will be meeting many women who don't qualify as RGWs, you need to practice and get good at what Robert calls catch and release.

Being a Good Ender is necessary to limit the time you invest with women who do not have RGW potential. The basics to effective breaking up are addressed relative to the timelines on how long you've been dating. The Two-Sentence Rule is highly recommended.

Whatever needs to be said can be said in two sentences or less. What not to say is also covered, especially when it comes to avoiding cliches. How to man up to respectfully, humanely, and confidently end a relationship is well covered. 

As your confidence approves, there's a section on pre-breakup discussions you can have with the woman that you are dating when you have the DTR talk, or that's the Define the Relationship talk. 

This is about letting the woman know that you will not keep her guessing about how you feel about things.

And so ends my review on Dating Essentials for Men, which, as I said in the beginning, women can also apply much of what's in this book. 

Lessons Learned

Paul Nelson: What did we learn in today's episode? Starting with Orbiters, and I've got to admit, I'm squeezing quite a bit out of one glossary term here, but this is pretty simple. 

For the gals. Having Orbiters as a backup dating plan is like having a pantry stocked full of expired food. It's time to clean out your dating fridge and give genuine connections a chance to flourish. 

For the guys. If Orbiting is part of your dating plan and you don't mind being an occasional stooge, at least make sure the concert tickets are worth it. Remember, you're providing background entertainment, so enjoy the show while it lasts.

From Blonde's Preferred Gentleman. 

Lesson learned from Charlie's finger-licking. Eating with enthusiasm is great, but remember, engage in conversation and not treat food as if it was your only date for the evening. 

What we learned from Jack is being considerate and thoughtful can make you the life of the party, even if you're not the center of attention. Plus, everyone will have more fun, and they'll feel included, except for that tasty chicken wing.

From Dating Essentials for Men, and again, much of what is in this book will also apply to the gals. Starting with, if you're a bad dater stuck in a cycle, it's time to break free and stop getting stuck with the disappointing, crazy partners. The first step is realizing you need a plan beyond, I'm lonely, so any girlfriend will do. 

We learned that the Relationship Pyramid helps us find the Really Great Woman or the RGW and avoid the Really Wrong Women. And those are the RWWs. Remember, settling for anything less than an RGW, Really Good Woman, is like ordering a pizza with a topping or two that you don't like.

Additionally, Dr. Glover talks about not dating coworkers. According to Robert, they're automatically categorized as Wrong Women or WWs. Mixing work and romance is a recipe for disaster, and we completely agree with that here at the Midlife Dating Podcast.

Finally, being a Good Ender is a crucial skill in dating. It's like being a Ninja of breaking up. Quick, efficient, and leaving no cliches behind. Remember, two sentences or less because nobody wants a breakup essay. 

Conclusion

Paul Nelson: So here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, we're all about providing our listeners with as much value as possible.

Please message me at questions@50datesat50.com if you have any dating topics you'd like me to cover or if you have any questions or comments, The email address is in the show notes. 

We'll end this episode with a little bit of dating humor with a joke that goes like this, I just started a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job. I'm just doing it to make hens meet.

Okay guys and gals, it's been fun, and I look forward to being with you on the next episode to take your dating experience from a Bust to a Best. And that's a really good place to be.